living vicariously...

my favorite band's new single is painfully reflective of my life, please join me in releasing the demons...

"i have to block out thoughts of you
so i don't lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home"

since my wife left i've been choking back feelings to keep my sanity, often to the point where i feel it catches up to me as i lay down to rest my head on the pillow. the lack of intimacy in my life has recently led to a developing issue with pornography. i have to be one of the few guys left in this world that didn't have that inevitable rush to the local corner store to rip open the latest issue of hustler or playboy when we turned 14 or younger... nope, i honestly didn't even become succeptible to the nature of pornography until my second year in college. for that reason, among others i didn't ever really struggle with the temptation of catching the new releases from the back room.
so... here i am today, 31 fucking years old and facing a growing addiction to pornography, all because of insecurities that have found their way into my life after she left me.

i haven't purchased anything graphic, ever. i know, it's hard to believe but it's true... i've thought about it more these past few weeks than i had my entire life to date.

then of course there's the entire taboo aspect of pornography. i suppose it depends on who you talk to but in general it's not exactly easy to share with someone that you are struggling with temptation since your wife left... actually when i see it typed it seems rather trivial but unfortunately it still carries a stigma that i don't quite comprehend.

i've turned to prayer and i know there are other resources available, some of which i've already taken part in already, however it appears i felt like coming clean in cyberspace would help relieve some of the weight on my shoulders.

maybe you understand, perhaps not. at the very least, it's all honest.