L.I.F.T.

this vision began slightly less than 7 years ago, in the midst of what happened to be the closest thing to lifeless i'd ever experienced. there i stood in the cold room at a local hospital, a gentle voice working to encourage my decision for seeking help. little did they realize at the time that i didn't want help, i needed it. i needed somebody to intervene more than i could muster enough energy to explain. thankfully, they did. not entirely but at least in part i have the medical team at said hospital to thank, for they are a good reason why i'm alive today.

L.I.F.T. stands for Life In Full Transparency, and it fulfills a promise i made to myself (and ultimately my case worker at the time), only almost a year in arrears. you see, i was supposed to have "revealed" this project last july. the 17th day of july 2011 would have marked the six year anniversary of my rescue. it was at that time that i learned first hand - rescue IS indeed possible.

so what is L.I.F.T. exactly, and why is it significant today, you might ask. well, the acronym has been shaped over time but even back then i was well aware it would be given life. the project (L.I.F.T. will for purposes of ease be referred to as "the project" in this blog so as to minimize the need for those periods separating the letters - they can be a real pain to type) ...well, the project began as a counselor's prescription. another curbside prophet (this blog, the one the greater majority of you didn't know existed - more on that later) was conceived because a therapist i had at the time was convinced it would be therapeutic and a healthy way to archive my feelings, and where necessary separate myself from them entirely.

that process began in summer 2005. this period of my life, if you should choose to read further into this blog - and you're welcome to do exactly that, was dark. if it's not clear, i was admitted because i felt the need to die. i didn't want to die but my mind had me convinced it was the answer to what i was feeling at the time. this blog will inevitably shine more light on that subject, among other things. several of my friends (but more importantly many of my family members whom are regularly featured and didn't know it) will find these writings to be interesting, but likely for different reasons than i might have at the time they were composed.

i'd like to say to all who appear, what you're receiving is what you'd expect - honesty. none of what's offered here was intended to incite any specific emotion, and quite frankly the greater majority of it was written selfishly, in order for me to heal. i haven't gone back to revisit everything contained within but my only desire is for those that do, to accept the good, bad, and indifferent. these are my stories and they're what i have. they are as much a part of me today as the time they were written, even if only in spirit. i acknowledge what needed to be "dropped" and left to burn, but i also fully comprehend how i'm the person i am today because of those life experiences. so without going back and researching the subject matter of these posts, i offer them as a gift, in hopes they will reveal more about me than i may have ever found ways to do in person.

truth told, the lion's share of this series was written heavily medicated and i can assure you they were NEVER proofread. as such, expect to leave the grammar police at the front door (i know, incredibly ironic coming from me) and embrace their flaws in every malleable way. i can almost guarantee from front to back (if you should be so brave, or have the least bit of interest exploring that much) you'll find a person desperate to reconnect with himself, and that will most likely present areas where i contradict myself, use unhealthy or unreasonable means to satiate my pain, take liberties with colorful language (because when appropriate, to this day i still haven't found one word that can better convey what the word "fuck" accomplishes, and i offer no apology for that. to the easily offended, don't take it personal or get over it. it's honest, and so it's me.

ok, so back to the project... the idea in short was to be able to look back on these writings for what they are six years later. whether i accomplished the goal, or not, these essays of sorts were intended to be completely transparent to myself (and ultimately you). the project became more a life motto, to live life in the most transparent way possible, and to do so at all times. this wasn't going to be achieved without significant opposition, where i would almost certainly become the very reason to sabotage the plan. being guarded comes naturally to victims and that was the problem, i needed to stop being a victim and rise above that which attempted to hold me down, even if some of those things only lingered because i gave them power and influence over my life. today, i will not only rise but i will soar. and you're welcome to quote me, all of you.

as has been documented countless times over the years, i don't do resolutions. with that said, the launch of 2012 brought with it (among other things) a deadline that i had let pass. it began to weigh on me fairly deep that i couldn't stand for this much longer. those of you that can relate know exactly what i'm referring to, that burning desire to prove you have what it takes, even if it's just to convince yourself. if that doesn't sound familiar, not sure i can make it more plain.

so... with 2012 i step forward and offer (to those who may be interested, and i'm not offended if it doesn't include you) full transparency. i overcame severe clinical depression but as anyone who's done the same will tell you, it's a constant battle. there are considerably more natural and graceful ways to deal with this today, in large part due to the incredible people i'm fortunate to have as family and friends. i don't believe in keeping secrets from any of you. i have in fact grown tremendously through this experience and albeit a task i abandoned several times, it brings me great joy to give it to those who may find it of value.

i'll be just as protective with information that any one of you share with me in confidence so don't mistake this as my way of saying that EVERY last detail should be public forum, just that where i've decided in my own life that i'm comfortable with others experiencing the "real" me, i've given exactly that. i aspire to not hold anything back because for years now i believe it's at that point of surrender and full disclosure (again, where it's of benefit) where the beauty of life resides. it isn't with everyone that we need to go there but the invitation should show no form of exclusion. i respect that not everybody needs/wants this sort of open relationship and so if it's not you, know this changes absolutely nothing. if it is, please realize that you're encouraged and welcome to share as your heart sees fit. i not only want to be love but i want to embrace it from/with others. kind of goes back to a saying i had for my life over a decade ago, that i've been told by a close friend is also one she used - (em)brace yourself. i want to drink in the mystery of where life takes you/me if we just lower our guards and visit what up to this point may have been forbidden in conversation, seek out the deeper truths to our existence - individually and collectively.

i have no doubt become a far different person in a lot of ways through my life experiences, as have all of us. the difference here is that i have documented proof of those changes, which in turns helps me appreciate this continuum of development upon which i find myself. always the student, i seek to pause and allow myself the time/energy to fully appreciate and live in each moment. if that sounds new age to you, so be it. it's LOVE, and it's really all we need. seems as if i recall a few brits working to convince us of this very fact, no? i'm passionate about giving each opportunity i have my best, especially as it pertains to the objects of affection in my life. BJ is little big man and for all intents and purposes he will remain such, in case you're wondering. he in many ways kept me alive and so i've often referred to him as one simple word, too - HEART.

may each of you truly understand in your own individual ways how grateful i am to have you in my life, in whatever capacity that may be. i adore the idea of having such amazing people to interact with and experience things together.

whatever convictions you may have in life, whether they align with my own or not, know that i relate to you in a way equal to value that i would not otherwise have, and no part of that is taken for granted.

this project was never intended (even though at times ego overshadowed humility) for mass consumption or daily digestion, meaning i in many cases was to have been its only author/reader. this of course is true with one exception, which was by design - a young woman i've been deeply fortunate to have in my family (not biologically, but she may as well be) for over 25 years walked this journey with me. she also in many ways has been a lifeline for me, and i her, which is why i dedicated this blog's existence to our treasured relationship.

that said, feel free to comment here if you're on blogger or use the facebook space where this will be offered to leave your feelings/thoughts. all is fair game, but i'm not offering this to farm specific dialogue or plant loaded questions, as much as it's what is needed to officially consider my task (L.I.F.T.) complete. this burden will no longer be carried, as i'm now a resource and no longer a victim.

in freedom,

CW

p.s. don't ever let me hear any one of you tell somebody else that depression is all in their head - it's as real as a heart attack, and it will kill you if you let it.