gen 2:18-24

what is it about when things are going well that causes temptation to rear its ugly head? is it that there must be a balance of both for life to be sustainable? surely i would think not, however it would appear that i cannot rest in favor too long without being tested.
the verses in the subject heading are where the creation of woman is documented for the first time in history. i quite enjoy the idea that God felt it was not good for man to be alone. i am also rather fond of the fact that women are created to help men. this is to say that God recognized man cannot go this journey alone, for he is incapable of succeeding without the help of a woman. what i am not saying here is that woman was created to be obedient to man alone, contrary to what popular opinion has become in some areas of our great nation. i also have never really taken too kindly to the expression of woman coming from man and men spending their entire lifetime trying to get back "inside" of women. ok, perhaps there is some slight humor in this irony but it certainly shouldn't suggest that such task become our mission in and of itself. where am i going with this exactly? so interesting you should ask...

you see, i've long since had a personal infatuation with the female body. for as far back as i can recall it has mostly been by way of subtle portrayals in art, such as silhouettes, b/w photography where shadowing adds to the allure, and other paintings that draw attention to our (man/woman) unique physical differences. to this day its difficult to deny that time spent in a barnes/noble or borders was less about the growing trend with coffee shops and more to do with checking out the latest photography books. i don't have an eye for the good shot like a professional but i find it easy to appreciate a lot of the different techniques and end result. in fact, i used to own several different pictorials from aspiring independent photojournalists, with a rare volume that included more mainstream offerings. years ago, however, i sold most of that collection when i desparately needed money for school. the few that remain in my possession are ones that pay homage to work created by an italian-american named Sante D'orazio. i became deeply interested in his art back in 1992 but really engaged in 1998, shortly after the release of his first spread called "a private view." this man his managed to create a name for himself since then, having been most revered for his gallery that included a young and sultry Drew Barrymore and a less anemic Kate Moss, not to mention countless other fashion models. D'orazio has also shot pop culture male icons but is lesser known for this, at least in my eyes. all this simply to say that he's an equal opportunity enterpreneur.
anyway, my desire to pay attention to this artist's work and that of his peers really graduated to a new level with the dawn of 2000 and beyond. it wasn't until just shy of 2002 that i stepped back from the latest stories being told through photo, a sojourn that would take awhile but eventually die completely about 4 months later.

now, when my wife left in summer of 2005 i began to have many dark and lonely nights. i'll spare you the details of where i often found my mind wandering, or else you could just dial back a few years in the archives of this blog. i'm sure some of this has been documented. at the same time, i want to park for a minute on this resurgence of passion that i seem to be having present day. it isn't so much that i am concerned about tapping back into that which i found so moving and sensually stimulating in more ways than i can describe. no, it's really not that at all. it has more to do with the fact that i have recently been sparring with temptation (AGAIN) to view pornographic material. this happened a few times over the past 3 years, ever since my then wife chose to exit stage left on our marriage.
well, the longest any of those bouts lasted was a few nights and i am now going on almost 5 days and nights with thoughts populating my conscience that i might otherwise not welcome. some of you may consider this perfectly normal and i respect that. others might take it a step further and say there's no reason for me to feel shame or fear, i might also respect that. i, however, feel deeply that i should try and at least curb the frequency and depth of my thoughts, especially before they ultimately become feelings. i'm not quite sure where i stand really. what i know for certain is that i find a lot of women beautiful, each in their own unique way. sure there are things i find universally attractive but i believe this phase or at least growth period has given me new perspective on what might be considered desirable. this transcends merely physical presence and most often includes expression(s) and a life story told simply by a passing glance or strategic gaze. it's really surreal at times to be honest. not to say that my eyes miss the obvious nudity (in cases where this is applicable) before me but i'm also finding a deeper connectivity with what i cannot plainly see, or at least not without some elevated awareness.

i don't know how long this will last. i'm partly thankful for this experience but not exactly applauding the less than convenient streams of random pictures that take residency in my mind. ok, maybe sometimes i actually lay out a welcome mat but i do find that still to be in the minority.

i'm contemplating where my reuniting with D'orazio and others may lead, however i'm mindful of the consequences if i'm unable to achieve the balance between adoration of the arts and self indulgence. whatever the case, feel free to chew on another incomplete thread and let me know if you might have something to offer in an effort to provide a well placed period to this run-on i find myself in lately.

*spinning*
"crack the shutters" - snow patrol, from their newly released "a hundred million suns" LP