about-face

epiphany  [ih-pif-uh-nee]

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

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as they say, THIS just happened. (well, sunday, to be exact).

a few short days ago i chimed in about my battle with stillness/mindfulness, and the like.  couldn't have predicted this turn but the text somebody very special let me borrow... yeah, the author brought the thunder!

for the first time ever, meditation was qualified as something other than a thing you achieve and/or do, but the ACT itself of being.  to be clear, you do not need to secure a tropical oasis in your mind (or whatever your peaceful equivalent may be), it's the pause and focus itself that constitutes meditation.  what i've done, as have many others, is transpose meditation with relaxation.  the latter is something i've legitimately struggled with for... well, a long time.

everybody i've known to guide me in the direction of this mindfulness has explained it as getting centered and clearing your mind.  whereas that may be the result, it's not necessary or even advisable to control the process.  you see, what i've begun to learn is that it's OK to accept EXACTLY where you are whenever you're reflecting on simply being.  that's the point, identifying with the moment and allowing for anything and everything that may be present, however desirable or irritating the emotion/stimulus may be.

more often than not, since i've come to the infancy period of understanding this meditation piece, i've had to accept an unquiet mind.  while i'd like to eventually experience its antithesis, expending energy or working to manipulate that process in any way is counterproductive.  it's not all about harmony, at least not to the extent most would quickly imagine when given that descriptor.  it IS about being in harmony with your present self, just that it won't always be absent distractions or stress.  in other words, don't go into this expecting a choir of angels or some other form of utopian grounds.

i am WORLDS away from internalizing and adopting this form of self actualization, but it does feel affirming to have a small window of hope and see things a little more clearly.  the breathing aspect of this is definitely going to take some time to adjust to, although i can already feel a thread of confidence and clarity birthed from these rudimentary efforts.

bottom line, i stand corrected.  i was wrong, and everyone is actually capable of meditation.  not everyone will be taken to that stereotypical dreamland that's so often advertised, wrongly i might add.  but you know what, that's OK!  as with most things in my personal life, i'll take baby steps and work through this new relationship with myself, as i suspect it may actually teach me a thing or two.  not unlike anything else, it will take time... and hopefully i'll have enough to truly feel that which several others have described.  keep in mind this is also what used to be frustrating to no end because it appeared to be an exercise in futility.

i've pushed through almost 15 chapters in this book, in most cases having to revisit each multiple times... and it's becoming a breath of fresh air.  i'll inevitably purchase my own copy as this one needs to be returned soon.  this isn't a one-time front to back piece.  in fact, thus far i seem to get the most out of it when carefully studied, small bites at a time.

i'm quite grateful for this gift and the person responsible for facilitating it.  regardless of how long this feeling lasts or to what extent it's felt, notwithstanding my occasional habit of self degradation... i will celebrate this light and move forward.