another curbside prophet...: may be some sort of crazy...

i carry emotion on a regular basis, and it runs the gamut.

it's in my dna, and so i'm wired to express myself in good, bad, and indifferent situations. an open book, if you will. this means you'll bear witness to face first falls, public breakdowns, breakthroughs, milestones, treasured memories, and many more facets of my life. all it takes on your part is to pay attention. to that end, you're the one to decide how interested or engaged you may be, and i suppose the same holds true for how you approach just about every other relationship or experience in your life. the difference, at least as i see it, is some choose (or more specifically, manage because they CAN) to address these instances in private. whatever/however you respond, i accept it as your truth and don't need it to mirror my own.

i'm not private.

in fact, there aren't many things in my life for which people are unaware. of course, this doesn't mean everyone knows everything, just that if you get enough of my friends/family in a room together, it's not difficult to piece together my life. if you have that kind of time, that is.

what i am not, in and of myself, is drama. i appreciate some may see this otherwise because, for one reason or another, they don't directly relate to what i put out there. that's not to say my contributions are right and they're wrong, or vice versa. all this truly explains is that, we each have different preferences for how to give/receive information. i'm not who i am for purposes of attention. i'm me, as it's how/what i know, and sharing what i do is what is required to sustain the life i have.

all this to say, i can't control how somebody is going to react to me or anything i speak into the universe. i can only offer my complete honesty and hope that much is appreciated, at the very least. if it's not, likely there's a reason, and usually it's not something with which i pay any mind.

the object of my deepest affection (with exception to the greatest love of my life, little big man) grieves privately and works through things without the aide of others (mostly), and i respect that. may not relate to this approach but i know we're all unique in our ways, and so it does little good to fight it. what i'd rather do is allow for time and the natural flow of life to come alongside the situation(s) and piece things together, one at a time. this process isn't always something that comes easily, and it's by far where my patience is tested the most. nevertheless, it makes sense to leave well enough alone, and so i do (or at least the strongest effort is constantly made).

i stick to what i know to be true. in this case, i love this person tremendously. it's not about who deserves or has earned things in life but if it were, she's clearly worthy of any/all i have to give.

and so i lay myself out there.

this blog is one of my outlets. i have few others, and i'm not sure that will change. these words are sometimes filled with joy and sorrow, or perhaps even on occasion take up the form of scars, but i trust all of them. every iota of energy spent in composing these statements happened for a reason, whether or not there was a clear motive, or simply the need to throw them into the world and see how they take shape all their own. today is no different.

fortunately, there's been a consistent source of gratitude in my life, to keep any true harm at least arm's length from me. without question, this force is little big man. i lost count of how many times he's responsible for me still being alive. this is not offered tongue-in-cheek, but it's also not me crying wolf. it's real talk, and it's not something for which i'm either ashamed or feel the least bit guilty for sharing. it's authentic, and on that merit alone, i'm entirely good with it.

this thursday i had the pleasure of once again spending some time around a person whose spoken into my life and added countless value, affirming many of the feelings i've had over the years. anyone who may have followed this blog for awhile now will not likely be surprised this individual is justin furstenfeld, lead directional force behind art rock outfit blue october. each time i have the privilege of sharing space with justin, whether directly or otherwise, it's immediately evident how much we share in common, and i connect with his soul. now, mind you, there's certainly been times where i've been cautioned by the artist himself, to not become obsessed with his/their catalog. i recall a conversation i had with justin in traverse city last year, where words were not mixed, and he had the following advice to offer - "do not fucking listen to my band's music all the time, regardless of how much it may speak to you... take note that as real as it is (and it is), it tends to come from dark places that one shouldn't visit for long periods. take up some coltrane, sarah vaughan, or even sinatra... enlighten yourself, and then return to my writing for perspective if/when you're ready." justin proceeded to explain how he writes from a place he NEEDS to exercise as a creative outlet, suggesting (and i believe entirely) it's not a choice. in some ways, i find this process no different than the reason i keep this blog alive. if i weren't to utilize this space in the manner i do, what's found here could instead evolve into a less safer (in many respects) outcome.

what's impressed me most, and certainly in a sincere sans "fandom" sort of way, is justin's ability to capture a life experience and deliver his recollection (provided it's an autobiographical sort of endeavor) with brutal honesty, even painfully at times. too often the entertainment industry (for lack of other places, too) is chock full of this watered down polyanna bullshit, replete with next to no heart or means to "connect" with its message.

i'm thankful to have learned justin's life is in a very good place now. he's remarried with another child and has been clean for one day shy of a year. in fact, at midnight the day of the show he was to have celebrated the official anniversary of his sobriety. THAT is awesome. he's also enjoying new faith and spiritual direction, which has amplified the aforementioned joy and elation.

even with as much reason to find myself excited about a friend's good fortune, that very same person quickly reminds me it's "one day at a time." these were the only words we shared thursday because i was in a hurry to be somewhere else after the show. but they're quite prophetic given their immediate relevance in my (and possibly your) life. it's all any one of us can really focus on, but it's a lesson we're too quick to forget (or at least i am).

this blog entry isn't a byproduct of tangible loss, as i've not been stripped of anything. change is inevitable and sometimes the plan doesn't go as you hope, but that doesn't make it bad simply by virtue of taking a different direction. what this does more than anything else is reveals the truest form of reality, given none of us control every aspect of our lives (nor should we). we must accept that it's not always up to us, and even ideas that may hurt our feelings initially, could possibly be the best resolve when all's said and done. also, it may be entirely possible that your/my steps come full circle, and the nature of THIS time is but a stop along the way, to a destination we not only anticipated but hoped for as well.

even in the sameness of our everyday lives we're able to find comfort/dissidence. this is, to say, nothing has to change at all for us to be given different perspective on that which we've known to already be very familiar. this is, among other things, taking a closer look at what i know to be true and comfortable, and seeing it from a value i may not often (or ever) have noticed... whereby the blog entry you've just read (if you made it this far) is my reaction.

i respond because it's what i need, not in light of want/desire. it's letting go of that which lives inside of me and providing space and oxygen for it to manifest in whatever form it chooses, not the least of which is my decision to make.

08.20.13 is when the new blue october record drops, and it will be another opportunity to appreciate the journey.

"i may be some sort of crazy... you may be some sort of crazy... but i swear on everything i have and more... you make the sound of pulling heaven down." ~justin furstenfeld