sleeping the sadness

It's that feeling of being beat up, chewed up, spit out, and left to die. Does it get worse? Absolutely. I just don't like my odds as the pressure increases.
I am literally at wits end with this notion of not feeling loved. I DO know better but for some reason that doesn't seem to matter. I know people love me in this lifetime, yet the idea of living through this daily pain sometimes feels like too much, and it definitely has me feeling all alone.
Yet I must find ways to forge ahead. I have a beautiful son and I cannot help if my soon to be ex-wife doesn't understand the degree of my pain and regret for ever having caused her the same. I don't even begin to fathom her unwillingness to forgive and love me through all of this. It's as though she would prefer to see me as just another "forced" part of her life, whereby our only true affiliation is BJ.
I don't even have to tell you how big (or small actually) that makes me feel. It makes no difference how much I focus on resolve or making the best of my new normal, I still remain with this empty feeling.
It's fair to say these feelings can lead to other thoughts/actions that I have little/no respect for at this point.
It's at these times my life feels like one BIG faithquake. I keep hearing about how these circumstances might be a test of my obedience to God, or better yet a series of events used to measure my loyalty when under the gun, sort of speak. OK, f*ck that. I don't serve a God that plays mindgames. If I did, this idea of stretching somebody to their breaking point and gambling whether or not it would be enough to expire their very existence... I couldn't possibly think of anything more contrived and evil.
I guess this is why people have told me that I have a burning passion for following Jesus, yet I don't seem to comprehend what He is truly capable of in any situation.

I turn to my buddy Justin and some poignant lyrics offered in one of his songs...
"I sleep the sadness that noone else sleeps, hear me cunningly adore"

I'm tired of crying.
I'm against the idea of medicinal therapy again, it's been too hard on my body/soul.
I want to be/feel loved.

I need to feel a different kind of pain, and with that I find myself fighting back the idea of physical harm (not lethal) to take the focus off what I already feel... not the best remedy, I know. True, nonetheless.

I love BJ more than I ever felt capable. Being a father brings about sides of humility that I never thought possible.

I have amazing brothers in Christ, with whom I count as blessings each day. However, I don't seem to find ways to connect with them on the same level lately, a sign that my condition is gaining control of aspects of my life that I would much rather face alone.

I will be better after some sleep, even sad sleep. The body replenishes itself incrementally and I would love for it to take notice of the increMENTAL side.

I'm told archiving my feelings is a great way to step outside of their very existence. I have pledged some allegiance to this idea, of course with hope this concept will ring true.

Good night people. Thanks for listening.

no resolutions...

so this is the new year...
and I have no resolutions...
for self assigned penance...
for problems with easy solutions.

so begins the year of my new normal; 2006. with that also comes burying many aspects of the past but certainly not anything/anyone tied to that emotional cesspool. i slip through the early 80s to borrow the age old adage of "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." not sure i've ever _really_ understood or believed in such a claim but perhaps i'm beginning to see the validity of it after all.
2005 brought with it many challenges and a few very beautiful memories. i will forever be close to one in particular, which took place in late March, the birth of BJ.
an out-of-body experience is the closest summation i can give. if ever there was a time my body felt absent of any ill fate, consequences for my broken self, it was the first time i stared into BJs eyes.
this memory unfortunately comes with bittersweet baggage as well since my wife has also informed me that it was at this point she realized her life was not meant to be spent with me. apparently the simple gaze from BJ warranted enough concern on her part that her decision was made final. not to say things didn't lead up to her apprehensiveness, just that she attributes the immaculate nature of seeing BJ for the first time to a pivotal point of change in her, which as we know would inevitably lead to our separation... ok, i'll stop there. i love my wife immensely but living with the dualistic properties of the experience above is enough to create rage. that's probably something i'll get a handle on in time but it's frightening all the same. how can i be so deeply passionate about someone that doesn't show the slightest bit of affection toward me? does this all amount to being a head case, or is that just my way of summing up what the doctors are still trying to figure out? perhaps it's just that i'm a f*cking enigma that rarely carries the simple art of understanding when it comes to befriending me. again, i'm sure time will reveal much more here.
step into my arena momentarily... i am slowly killing myself over my shortcomings, yet i maintain the importance of making Jesus my prince of peace and Lord of all. how does that work? excuse me if i sound like the biggest hipocrite! i can assure you that i'm still trying to make sense of my struggle(s). i love my savior. i extend Him what i believe to be the closest thing to unconditional love, seeing as though i don't possibly comprehend this idea of unconditional. i ask Jesus to keep a watchful eye on my soul and open/close doors wherever possible to keep in accordance with His will. i don't know that it's always apparent to me what doors are even being touched, let alone pushed ajar or slammed.
there are few promises i've been able to make in life and stand by. that might possibly explain why i can't fully grasp the idea of God's grace. one thing i don't believe i'll ever do is stop believing, for sometimes it's _all_ i feel i have. in the life of differences between wants and needs, i need a personal relationship with my savior. i need a protective shield from this life full of things to ambush my heart/soul. my simple prayer has been that God would make His presence strong in my life, invade my soul, and take residence with His Holy Spirit to provide a constant watch over my body and the f*cked up tendencies i have.
in this world of spiritual warfare, i believe i entered this year giving Satan an unfair advantage. that's not to say that i've ever looked to evil or even could fathom the idea, rather Satan preys on the broken hearted and damaged souls. suffice to say i wasn't able to leave my weaknesses in 2005 and it's been awfully difficult to hide any traces of those past injuries. it's as if a blood trail followed into January, with hopes that it's not enough for Satan to take notice.
i've asked God to help me clean up and cauterize my wounds, sterile enough to keep evil at bay.

if anyone should read this, perhaps you'll join me in the same prayer.

to another end, a chapter of my heart is disclosed but my ability to endure remains strong. this is largely due to great family and friends, most importantly the looks i get from BJ that sustain my adoration for being his father.
life will of course go on... the sun will rise.

commitment is my latest thorn. for instance, as therapeutic as it can often be to archive your feelings you would think this blog would be better utilized. home improvements still lie in a holding pattern because i'm well, still not Bob the Builder, nor a mature incarnation of his image.

balance is key to my success. fortunately i am still finding some time to take part in things i once found (and apparently still find) gratifying. these would include people watching (all forms), skateboarding (or at least living vicariously through watching youth at local park), re-reading the Narnia epic, re-developing a deep appreciation for CS Lewis (for what seems to be the fourth time in my life), discovering new music, and forcing myself to bed at a decent hour whenever possible... i can still smell her on my sheets after five washings... not going to replace my mattress.

ok, time to shower and meet the guys at church...

btw: my opening to this entry is from "New Year," a track off Death Cab For Cutie's "Transatlanticism." I wore this disc out a few years back and pulled it out earlier this month to have a fitting entry into 2006. You might check it out if time permits.