the season is upon us...
the new job is keeping me very busy and going well...
funny how a little structure and consistency helps add perspective to life again. i'd been having an absolute ball with BJ but it many ways the time with him had become my only refuge, something i was beginning to regret. i had often had other means of adding balance to my days besides the joy of my and BJ's crazy antics, yet those times seemed to fade.
i couldn't be sure if it had everything to do with being even more frugal than normal since i wasn't working, or if there might have been something else behind it. i still can't say with certainty but i have reason to believe that i was falling into a slightly depressive state yet again.
the beauty of things this time around is that my FAITH was my rock of gibraltar, not someone or something that was bound to let me down. sounds awful but it's not really when you think about it. we're not perfect and we WILL fail eventually, it really does become that simple. God left us with a perfect model to follow but warned us not to place our trust (to the extent we do in Him) in things of this world because they can be taken from us at any point. i have even had to learn how to recognize that BJ is God's son and i am entrusted to care for him here on earth until he makes it home to be with his heavenly Father, where i will hopefully spend forever with him. i don't consider myself to be a very possessive guy in general but let me tell you, there has rarely been a more difficult task to honor than giving BJ to God so that His perfect will can be done. God would find a way to make His plan happen regardless but i'd do myself justice to not stand in the way of things.
ok, back to this period of emotional instability...
i know we are not tested with more than we can handle but there certainly are times that we (at least me anyway) try to be lord of our lives because we feel taken to the breaking point. i believe all the while our Creator is aware of our trials and suffering and uses these times to draw us near to Him. i look at this as being gentle but bold when necessary. the Biblical example we're often given is as a shepherd tends his sheep, with almost a complete absence of physical rearing but never out of lack of interest or care. we have another story in the Bible that explains how the shepherd would focus all his attention on 1 of 100 if it were to get away, rather than the 99 they may still have. i don't know about you but that kind of determination and pursuit makes me feel incredibly secure. yes, we were given free will and have often used it to stray from the beaten path. nevertheless, most of the time our Father allows us to learn the hard way and protects us from any long term harm, to grow our hearts and dependence on Him. He just wants us to come back, just as the example given to us about a prodigal son and the indescribable emotion his father feels when he returns home after far too long of trying to do life on his own. i believe there's more to this story than just the happy ending. in fact, it's my sense that what the son experiences in the absense of truth and wisdom is the real take away here. we weren't meant to walk alone, nor face the challenges of this world without help. this is one underlying meaning of the story but there are others, as you already know.
i started this post by talking about the brief run i've had with depression, yet i've purposefully kept from saying much else. here's why...
my feelings might have been a mere fraction of what they were during the time of my divorce, yet they were still real. they had at times caused me to question a number of things and doubt my ability to accomplish tasks i had done thousands of times already. sound familiar? the main difference this time around is that i had the encouragement of those that love me and the security of a God that IS love. take from this what you will but i can clearly state that at least this present moment, i feel a strong sense of a heavenly embrace. i feel humbled by the beautiful relationships that i may have done nothing to deserve but by grace have found their way into my life anyway. i count my blessings that i have a 3 year old son who continues to teach me more about life than many of my peers. takes me back to the example we're given of faith like a child, and how looking through their eyes may actually provide a greater sense of clarity to things our mature eyes can't see or handle.
i will undoubtedly chime in at some point during a weaker bout with whatever life may be throwing my way but for now, i rejoice in the strength that only He can provide. i am deeply thankful for each day that i have the opportunity to explain where this joy comes from, and for each moment that presents itself to engage in candid conversation about this journey i'm on, for better or worse.
to the few that keep up with this series, my heartfelt thanks for even taking the time to include these random but sincere feelings as part of your day. even though i don't check in that often and so it's not that time consuming on your part, let me assure you that i appreciate the company i've kept and the many ways you've all expressed your support.
the snow will be falling any day so perhaps i might be spending more days indoors in the coming months. it's a safe bet, i think.
also... i've avoided discussing politics for a reason. i've resigned to vote a straight independent ticket come 11/04. both parties have done enough to clearly sway me from any partisanship.
ralph nader doesn't stand a chance but he and his running mates can add one more to their list.
*spinning*
the beatles - rubber soul
posted by spydrwebb at 7:24 PM
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