cold days are ahead...

i've been down since tuesday with common cold symptoms but it's hitting me real hard tonight. i just stopped by walgreens to pick up their equivalent of nyquil but it hasn't really made it through my system just yet.
the past week has been fairly uneventful b/c unfortunately i've had to forfeit my time with BJ since i've been sick. work is work, and i suppose we'll leave it at that.

hockey games finally started. it's only preseason but the thought of the puck hitting the ice always brings a warm feeling over me.

i just watched an indie movie earlier called the dreamers. it came highly recommended from the sundance film festival. the show was supposed to have been about a young boy's love for the french cinema and the epic trials of his life as a film student in france, while growing into the culture and making new friends. well, the movie was all of these things, however there was also a great deal of gratuitous nudity. as it fits the part, i don't mind these scenes. the problem is that with this particular movie, the strong sexual content became the focal point of some very twisted melodrama that included foreplay between brother and sister. yes, i would have easily decided to fast forward or stop altogether had i known what lied ahead.
had it not been for the amazing cinematography i would not have finished the movie. there were some very interesting techniques used (only know how they were done after watching the extras on the dvd) to give the film a unique feel, especially by way of silhouettes and classic black and white vignettes that were used to tie the thoughts of the characters to actual film history.
all told, i don't think this film helped suppress any withdrawal i've felt. i will likely come to regret having taken part.

perhaps that's just the nyquil finally taking effect.

winding down...

just returned from a concert downtown. one of the bands i have in normal rotation decided to come this far north - copeland. i'm glad they chose to return after such a long time away. the night had 4 bands in store, in order of appearance they were as follows:
AG silver, daphne loves derby, the hush sound, copeland
the first band is local and they're some young guys that have been playing together for quite some time. it's cool to see the develop over the years and they were touring in support of their new record, their first in what seemed like 5 years. the guys of AG silver came out with a lot of great energy and played a short set to the hometown crowd of about 300+.
daphne loves derby was next in line and i'm sorry to say they did not impress tonight. i've been a fan of their sound for awhile now and they just didn't seem to have it all together on this set. they weren't in sync (no pun intended) most of the time and it was really hard to hear the lead singer. that's too bad because they sound great on record and i was really looking forward to checking them out live.
the hush sound is a band from chicago that (depending on who you talk to) could very well have stolen the show. they were very tight and had a good variety of tunes, ranging from serene female fronted numbers to some very danceable lead male vocals. they had great style, both in the way they moved and their overall demeanor. they seemed like really humble people as well, which you have to appreciate in this industry of conceited people.
finally copeland graced us with their presence. i'll be real honest, it wasn't until the fourth song (a new one) that i felt they brought it together. their set started really shaky but locked in real tight with their first new song debut of the set, in addition to all that followed. copeland is as close to being one of their kind as it comes, with very unique blends of catchy pop and piano tinged rock ballads not to be missed. they are releasing their new record "eat, sleep, repeat" on halloween this year and i'm excited to check out more of this new stuff i'm hearing. they played two new songs and both had infectious hooks and were completely memorable. i hear this new record is supposed to be darker and i'm anxious to see what copeland can do with it because most of their other music lends a more upbeat and positive vibe.

time to call it a night so i can get an early jump in the morning. i have to travel to a remote branch for relief so the commute is something i need to be alert for, especially as early as the sunrise will come.

'nite.

one hour, let alone day at a time...

sometimes i feel like wielding the power of time (like adam sandler in that film "click") would be a great service. the other times... well, let's just say i don't trust myself with that type of control.

i read a quote a few years back that said "happiness begins with self confidence" and i really must say that person is on to something. there's an awful lot of factors involved besides self confidence but i agree that it would be rather difficult to feel good about life if you're not first feeling good about yourself.
i don't quite understand what the purpose of this post is just yet but what i can say is the notion of "peace" and "happiness" has been resting on my heart for a long time.

for instance, why is it now that every time i watch a remotely heartfelt film i cannot stop crying. i mean, i was always known to be in tune with my feelings and secure with sharing them, but we're not just talking about a little water works here. i simply fall into this state of the inability to suppress or manage my tears. i know people (whom i really love and respect) have said that it's perfectly fine to cry and i believe that. however, i'm not exactly finding good reasons for a lot of this emotion.
for example, i finally got around to watching this movie i had rented awhile back, "family stone." for those who've seen the film it's a good mixture of comedy, tragedy, and altogether family chaos. granted i understand a lot of that is exaggerated for hollywood but it sure seems to cut at my heart just the same. there are many touching scenes but none more challenging than when the mother has disappeared from a terminal illness. this takes place almost at the very end (i'm sorry for those of you who haven't seen it, i suppose it just spoiled if for you) and it's actually a subtle piece on part of the directors, likely to help the viewer fill in their own spaces. well, i had already found myself broken up over other scenes but that particular one had me nearly pulling myself from the floor. it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me yet it's perfectly real. this cinematic drama and many other like it have often set me off, headed down a road that bears many terrible things about the truth.
you see, i'm not all that confident about a lot of things right now. i've thankfully been supported and loved by some very cool people but i wonder if they really see my pain. it's not about questioning anyone's reaction to what they might have already seen, rather a genuine desire to know what it is they actually see.
holidays remain some of the most trying times for me right now. the "family stone" was centered around the holidays and it brings to thought how often i've wanted to be accepted and loved in somebody's "warm" (and not just as a metaphor) home.
the fact of the matter is that much of my time is spent pacing across these cold hard wood floors, feeling like i missed some great opportunities.
my ex is a real beautiful person and i for the life of me can't (so i usually stop trying) figure out what brought her to leave. she said a few times that i deserved better but that must mean that she saw a lot of things in me that i don't see myself.
then there's BJ. i know it's early but i think all of the time about what effect our separation has on him. BJ has in many ways become my life, yet other factors make being a father feel like i'm suffering through unfortunate circumstances. this is the part that gets so frightening at times because it's hard to understand how you could love some(thing/one) so much but still not feel secure in that love, and at times resent the fact that it doesn't come easily.
i worry that the financial burden i've taken on since having BJ continues to overshadow some of the sincere adoration i have for being a father.
my job has been sending warning signals recently that they are downsizing and i fear whether or not i'll be able to support BJ the way i always have, whether or not i'm part of the cut.

this isn't the first time i've blogged about this lack of confidence/control. to error is to be human and i understand that fact, however confidence (or lack thereof) seems to play a critical role in how well you overcome it all. truth be told, i've actually been overcome by it.

i find it no coincidence that the song "overcome" by *live* has been on my radar for a few weeks now. you might recall this anthem from the original 9/11 media footage on CNN. it's interesting how music tells stories, and although this specific song was written in memory of a great tragedy, it communicates great things to broken people all over the world.

i'm going to excuse myself to some headphones to keep this all in perspective. on a day that falls five years after horrible events shook the life right out of us, this all seems relatively small. at the same time this too is very real and i'm looking for a more hopeful hour, let alone day.

we will not forget...

09-11-2001.

may the perpetrators be brought to justice.

may God protect those still fighting for our freedom.

may He bring them home safely.

may our tears of sorrow and remembrance not be shed in vain.

peace be with all of you.

worked five times over...

i've worked, re-worked, and then worked some more on my budget... bottom line is i'm broke. i have no idea what my next step is and unfortunate burnout from work and other things have resulted in fatigue once again.
this too shall pass but it's been a real test of will.
there are quite a few others who have it much worse so i'm keeping all of this in perspective. nevertheless, i truly have little sense of direction at this point so resolve seems to be avoiding me.

i'll manage. i always somehow do, one way or another.

i've been spinning some older thirtysecondstomars lately. the angst rock has kind of met me in the pain.

the other boot fell...

my absenteeism has been related to the ol' housemate packing up his things and leaving dodge. it's been interesting to say the very least but i'm now back to seeking out another person to take residency of my basement. it sounds like there may be a few possibilities but they're still being checked out to assure that i'm not going to just repeat history here. something tells me i'll get better results with either one of them but i've become quite the skeptic with this whole thing by this point.
besides supervising the move, i've been fighting a small cold. i'm hoping it doesn't manifest into anything bigger and hopefully i got to it before that process began. in all honesty it followed a night on the town, where i had been in front or in the middle of more people smoking than i'd been around in a long time. i think my lungs decided to just shut down for awhile to protect me from the carcinogens. i've been debating taking dayquil to shut down any possibilities of the symptoms getting worse but that stuff puts me out of commission sometimes, which means i really need to be sure that it'll be worth it.
i stopped over to 256's rehearsal last night and caught up to several of the guys. by january of next year they will all have been married. this is a far cry from the previous six months so it's both a surprise and a delight to see them settling down with some very nice women. DC's wedding is in october, which is next in line. he and Em have been planning a real nice gathering that i'm looking forward to attending. KW and i are providing the music so we get to really mix it up together at the reception.
after rehearsal i went downtown with Mio, Rod, and Alyssa to a place called Bar Divanis. this fine establishment is the best of it kind in grand rapids, michigan. it's a good experience to check something like this out now and again but there's absolutely no way i could make it a routine. in fact, since i'm broke i was Rod and Alyssa's guest, and they really showed everyone a great time. we had this bottle of champagne called argyle from 2002 and it definitely opened my eyes to what good champagne should be. we each enjoyed some wine as well, strangely enough it was from portland and landed right up there with the dominican and french wines. the food topped everything off, which was nothing short of incredible. we all had a sampling of the potato chip crusted walleye, seered tuna with cucumber salad, rissoto, and this lamb that was to die for... best i've ever had by far.
i stayed out much later than i planned because we all piled into one car and i wasn't driving. fortunately my being exhausted didn't ruin anyone's evening because i was about ready to pass out by the time we made it to our last destination. my body always wakes me up right around 7am so hopefully i can take a nap later and catch up on a little bit of the sleep i'm missing.

long weekend and i've got a lot of work to get done in the basement, among other things.