i sometimes wonder if i'll continue to offer my sentiments in this blog for much longer. my visits are sporadic at best but still offer some degree of relief when i choose to contribute. i don't however get the sense that i'm writing for anyone but myself because nobody visits my page. i'm ok with that for the most part because i enjoy a certain extent of a private domain, at the same time i may benefit from more traffic to this corner of the www.
today i have much going on in the feelings tank but little patience to give it all life. i'm equally reminded of how blessed i am to have such close family and friends, who even though i may not see them that often, love me nevertheless. by the same token, i am painfully aware of the loneliness and emptiness that invades my day quite frequently. it becomes rather annoying to constantly give way to this feeling so i don't know that i'll go into it much, if not for any other reason than my complete discontent for feeling this way in the first place. should there be requirements for another reason, i gracefully declare that i am tired of complaining, or at least feeling the need to complain. yet of course i'm sure before the end of this post i will take shape of some less than positive remark or state of mind. perhaps i'm best to attribute that to my mental incapacity to stay focused or upbeat, rather than a sheer will to sound defensive or trite.
let me continue by saying that the summer heat is upon us. it's a blazing 87 degrees in BJ's room, where i'm currently typing away on a sticky keypad. i don't do watersports so i have to find different ways of beating the heat. suffice to say i've never really cared much for weather above 75 degrees, for i would rather be chilled than sweat any given day. putting clothes on by layering has often lead to better response than taking clothes off, in most situations. that's pathetic really but the truth nonetheless.
i'm reminded of don miller's speech a month or so ago, where he spent a great deal of time talking about our nakedness (spiritually and physically). one of the points was that we only feel bad about our naked selves because the world has conditioned us to believe clothes are necessary. now before i go off sounding lake some nudist or wayfair nature boy, let me say that i completely agree. the world is much better off for having simple rules that prevent everyone parading around in the state which God made them. i certainly feel secure that everyone doesn't have to witness my naked body, let alone my eyes meeting theirs.
i don't believe this is why miller made this statement, however. i'm more convinced that miller feels our clothes are a level of protection and individuality. after all, we came into this world without knowledge of hurt, pain, happy, sad, or anything short of perfection. in the fall of man we are born into sin but Adam didn't have a clue about how his and Eve's nakedness was unacceptable. in fact, it just wasn't, and that has more to do with the fact that neither one of them knew any different. Adam would follow Eve (or vice versa depending on your school of thought) and be completely oblivious to the fact that he was anything less than what was necessary to meet Eve's needs. God created us to meet each other's needs and let's face it, we are the ones who often look at inadequacies and shortcomings in each other. for instance, Adam would be in a state of euphoria, finding ways to address all of Eve's known desires. Adam would be just fine living in this state, where all of Eve's perceived needs are handled. it is right around this time that we tend to remind each other of how our respective partners in life are failing to meet our basic needs, and for what? well, again this has to do with the fact that the world conditioned us to believe that we have to have it OUR way. instead of true community and the absence of selfishness, we live in a society that is more focused on finding the right mold, and for who? what possesses all (most anyway) of us to follow and perpetuate this? i would have obviously been much better off if i didn't learn how to hurt somebody's feelings, and their's mine. i would have been comfortable with hanging out in the Garden, basking in the purity of my being, and that of my partner's. you see, i'm convinced to a strong degree that we become what we expose ourselves to, at least in the sense of influence.
i don't know that i'm making great sense of all this but let me wrap up by saying that this comes as a result of feeling insecure. don't get me wrong, it fares better than being self righteous. nevertheless, i struggle with balance (common thread) between value in self and others. perhaps this has a lot to do with the sense of abandonment i've felt over the years but i feel there's more to it than that. i can't put my arms around it but i just feel overwhelmed by my inability to exist alone and find peace in my solitude. of course i'll always have BJ so i'll never actually be alone but i mean to comment on the times that i'm actually absent of his physical presence.
anyway, i'm turning into a balmy mess sitting in this humidity, in turn not doing much for my confidence level... sweat is not becoming, period.
it's almost time for me to crawl into my vacant sheets. it's nights like these that i'm reminded of how much work i have ahead of me. yes, i may have come a long way this past year but i have so very far to go.
off to prep for my dream, where we all grow toward the light, with no malitious intent...
