a day of firsts...

the day came and went but not before i bought my first brand new car and ordered my favorite non-alcoholic Fall drink in a restaurant (hot cider w/ cinnamon sticks) for the first time. the day reminded me of growing up in my GMAs house when we were little, the Fall colors on display with heavenly light gracing the silhouette of fallen leaves upon their descent. GMA would always have fresh cider from the nearby apple orchard and heat it up for us kids. cinnamon sticks were a later discovery and haven't left me since.

good talk w/ my wife tonight but so far to go.

if only the rest of my life fell in line as gracefully as today...

are you...

...prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head... have you listened to a single word i've said?

-mraz

simple wish...

just once i wish my wife would know what it feels like to spend any length of time with our son and sense that he may not appreciate her. BJ is too young to possibly know or understand his actions but i am struggling in the worst way with the fact that our time together is NOwhere near as free-spirited and natural as it is with my wife... four letter words come to mind, not necessarily limited to the obvious but certainly not with exclusivity either.

if you're interested...

check out www.drewnelson.net to learn more about my old roommate and good friend. amazing show tonight, several years in the making. i'm very proud of how far he's come.

now, that pillow can't be too far away...

i guess just because...

my bet is on the circumstances but for some reason these past few days have found me in tears quite a bit. i don't care for it at all but at this point i know its a necessary evil. every day is different but i've faced all of them recently with the same goal, to focus on my personal needs and take everything slowly. well, apparently my needs at this present time happen to be producing sweet saline because i certainly don't find myself lacking in that department.

my old roommate's cd release party was tonight. great time had by all, more details at another time.

my heart's calling for ms. machlachlan to croon me to sleep.

a little behind the power curve...

i've been feeling sluggish most of the day and haven't stopped running around since 6:30 this morning. full day of work, BJ for the early evening, and then my friend GM stopped over to help me install a new garage door opener. we just finished a little over an hour ago.

i must get some sleep. i'm counting on the new jimmy eat world EP to get me through the night.

JC is born...

i just returned from visiting my friends JB and CB in the hospital, where CB is recovering from having given birth to their first child. they named their son Josiah and he was born early due to CB having high blood pressure. the baby was just over 4 lbs and i went up to see him and family for the first time today. the special needs at this point were enough to really put life in a different perspective. he's such a cool looking guy with his long hair and fair complexion, which will only get darker as he begins to maintain body temperature. i watched JB feed his new son with the smallest bottles i'd ever seen, only to have the nurse ask him to step aside so they could finish the task through a small tube. i know how much JB really wanted his son to take the entire bottle so he wouldn't have to be subject to any feeding tubes but obviously they are doing what's best for the child at this point. then again, i don't know that you ever really stop doing what's in the child's best interest.
anyway, it was quite a sight to see. i was most amazed by Josiah's hair because he's african american and he had the straightest long black hair i've seen on any baby. i kept asking JB where his baby curls were and he said it was all a matter of time before they come.
all seems to be going well with every passing day. slow progress but surely it has to ease the inevitable burden JB and CB must feel being new parents and having immediate challenges. i know their little guy will be just fine so i take peace knowing that he's in good hands no matter which way you look at it.
the rest of my was just typical corporate workforce, nothing out of the ordinary. my evening trip downtown to see the new addition was definitely the highlight of this day.

busy week continues tomorrow, my boss is on vacation and i'm in charge of the ship while he's away. hopefully we can steer into some better production the rest of this week because it's been an uphill battle thus far, however i am hopeful.

check it: dishwalla - opaline

wisdom from the ongoing velvet elvis...

the point that stuck with me last night in our reading was as follows:

"it's interesting how an infinitely small glimpse of light can cast away massive amounts of darkness"

let's just say i'm thankful for the Light in my life.

here's to the sun finally deciding to pay a visit, windows down in the midwest Fall, the crooning sounds of mr. mraz playing loud over the speakers, accompanied by the sound of joney through the hands-free car kit.. heading home early after a LONG day of work!

bring on the weekend already!@

unrealistic expectations...

the painful discovery of the week is that i have been in denial about the separation from my wife. it become blatantly obvious that in my heart i've felt things would mend themselves in a matter of time. truth has an interesting way of coming to the surface on a timetable one will likely never understand. however, where to go with this truth is far more clear. i began inch closer to accepting that the marriage i had is now going to be purely between my son and i, with the natural exception being the obligatory roles my wife and i will have as parents.

a very real analogy was shared with me yesterday and it helped me gain some perspective. as automatic as this may seem for other people, i just couldn't seem to grasp this concept:

it's as if a tree has been pulled competely from the soil it inhabited for years, uprooting the very nature of it's existence... in layman's terms, I'M EXPECTED TO FEEL HURT/LOST.

i was quickly becoming impatient w/ myself when things like this were so damn difficult to see, especially when in a clear frame of mind i would be hard pressed to miss these things.
i have to get to a place where i realize that many things will be clouded due to the fact that i am so invested (like the tree and it's roots above) in the relationship i had w/ my wife.

grief has ultimately turned into the focus so that i can legitimately get past some of the things that are holding me back, at least in terms of what lies ahead (no timetable given). i don't mean self-pity here, rather pure sense of loss being lived out until my heart is strong enough to identify w/ it's new existence.

everybody hurts, sometimes.

non-custodial parenting...

the meeting yesterday was one hour and forty-five minutes of testing my patience and fifteen minutes of useful information. i don't know that i see why it was so important for me to be summoned to this meeting but obviously i don't want to get on the wrong side of the courts.
the information i gleened had more to do with rights to non-custodial parents, at least as viewed through the eyes of the county. there weren't any real surprises but some information helped me better understand what i was already told.

blah, blah, blah...

nothing else is really going on right now. i'm spending my evening with BJ and the NHL now that games are back on finally. thursday is men's group and saturday is a 256 concert with a major label band called wolf parade. i haven't heard of wolf parade but those two nights are sure to be the highlight of my week.

my little guy is congested...

BJ is having one heck of a time with this latest cold. we've graduated to the runny nose phase and it's made for an extra trip to walgreen's for kleenex.
somebody should have reminded me that today was a federal holiday because i have an important package to mail. tomorrow will afford me the opportunity to do just that during my lunch.
monday night football is on in the background. i'm spending the rest of the night on my company's website since open enrollment for benefits is this week. i can't really make any decisions though because i don't know how long i'll remain under my wife's policy and i don't want to be over-insured. either way, they consider our separation to be a significant enough life change that we should be able to tweak our elections midstream if necessary. i just need to be aware of what options are available because we have new providers this year.

i have a court ordered meeting tomorrow to discuss my rights in the divorce. seems like an oxymoron to me but perhaps that's just the antagonist knocking on my door again. this meeting is scheduled for two hours and i can't possibly begin to understand what they are going to talk about during this entire time. again, i'm sure i would be much better suited by dropping any preconceived notions. maybe two hours is little to ask when it comes to possibly understanding all of this much better.

i had the tv muted earlier and the shifting picture was set to coldplay's "x&y." it wasn't exactly the same effect you achieve with dark side of the moon and wizard of oz but it served the purpose.

caio!

time didn't stand still...

this weekend was very busy. between concerts, hockey games, watching football on the tube, doing things around the house, and some great conversations on the phone - time seemed to pass rather quickly.
i have BJ tonight and we're going to work on his army crawl together so that'll be fun.

interesting find at the grocery store last night... pop tarts come in all kinds of wild flavors now. i picked up the cinnamon roll and french toast varieties to give them a shot.

i've been listening to a cd my friend Rod burned for me, which has a random sampling of the past five albums from "death cab for cutie." great stuff, i love how they almost re-invent themselves after each record.

is someone getting the best, the best...

...the best, the best of YOU?
just returned from the foo fighters/weezer concert. let's just say i'm still looking for my ass because it was completely rocked off so please let me know if it shows up in your area. i can't even begin to fathom how its possible for one man (dave grohl) to have so much energy. the man didn't hardly stop once and it didn't seem to phase him.

this straight up rock and roll was exactly what i needed after the week i've had. weezer has apparently announced they are done recording after this tour so it was great to know i was part of history, in that i witnessed their proper farewell tour.

kaiser chiefs opened the night but i would just as soon stay away from their music. i didn't expect much so dissapointment wasn't even an issue.

ok, bedtime...

going to slow it down a bit tonight to offset the ringing in my ears so aqualung is going to see some rotation.

almost in the books...

this website was down most of the evening... i just made it with little time to spare. having said that, i can only offer the following for my account of today...

one mindf*ck of an afternoon and enough burn to last until this annual event comes around next year.

loving what (whom) slowly kills you is almost certainly a recipe for cardiac arrest.

it's back to foo fighters, only this time their 1st disc from the recently released "in your honor" because i can really use something to rock my skin off at the moment.

brevity is the mood of the moment...

as the subject heading suggests this post is going to cut straight to the point. work was productive but very tiring. i'm halfway between an after dinner lull and my craving to fall asleep to some norah jones. norah's new york record has a way of taking me to a deeper sense euphoria. it is with that frame of mind that i bid thee good night. one very heavy yet meaningful day awaits me in just over two hours. here's to hoping i don't find it prematurely and i'm able to see the other side of 6am before the unsettling alarm sounds.

brushed off the wingtips...

although i made a late push to get everything ready in time, i did manage to show up to work prepared this morning. it was a pleasant surprise to not find too many piles waiting for me. you know, work somebody could have completed in my absence but chose not to instead of being a team player. well, as i said it was quite a shock, it seems we may some good sports after all.
the day at work was about what i figured it might be, mostly getting my desk situated, answering messages left that could wait until i returned, re-setting passwords, updating pictures of BJ on the wall to the most recent ones i have, reviewing notes of what i missed from the business perspective, conference calls, meetings w/ management about my progress and for them to thank me for work well done up to this point (again, took me by surprise).
there wasn't anything else really out of the ordinary but that's ok because i wasn't really looking for that great of a challenge on my first week back.
besides, it did feel strange in slacks, shirt, and tie since i had basically spent the majority of my leave in t-shirt, jeans, and sambas. i suppose it was a welcome transition because many of my work clothes had taken on a thick dusty film just sitting in the closet.
i picked up BJ after work and we stopped over DC's for a little while. DC was practicing a few sets on the drum kit b/c his cousin asked him to play a few gigs next week at Billy's. DC has got to be one of the busiest people i know and it's amazing to think he might find time to play these shows. at the same time i hope he does b/c i haven't seen those two play together for quite some time.
this week is quickly becoming stacked with tasks and such. tomorrow is really the only opportunity i will have to enjoy a evening by myself or in chosen company. wednesday is when i'm still pushing for some time w/ BJ and my wife considering the entire anniversary issue. i really want to look at this as something other than an anti-anniversary, even given the circumstances. perhaps i'm a little ambitious but i figure there's no harm in sitting down to a meal together (not over candle light or anything) and talking through some of what was, what is, and what is to come. i definitely want BJ to be the focus and so he'll be hopefully joining us at the table for the first actual family dining experience. we've tested his high chair on a few different occassions when it was just him and i, however it's never been pushed up to the table just yet. BJ likes to hang in the living room w/ his high chair and he's not really a big fan of the kitchen. it might have something to do w/ the fact that we don't really do much in the kitchen. after all, i cook when i have to and that of course will be increasing, nevertheless it's not as though BJ and i have made cookies together or anything. our time in the cocina has been practical at best.
my wife just picked up BJ and that's always hard but tonight it was like a fiery knife into the heart. obviously there's no blame here, it's purely systematic but this time really hit me where it hurts the most and i've yet to figure that out at this point.
we're getting BJ's six month pictures done in the next week, which does in fact make me excited. BJ turned 6 mos in late september but he had a cold and we had to cancel his sitting until it passed. he appears to be handling things much better now since we're on the tail end of this little bug so hopefully we'll get a great big smile. i just love his open mouth smile to pieces. it falls on that list of things you must have w/ you when you're desperately in need of some good karma or quan, if you happen to follow jerry maguire.
one of the other things on that list is my amazing sister joney, who always seems to grace me with the right words in the most opportune times. no question whatsoever that she'll be on my mind this wednesday, regardless of the outcome of my best intentions. family is irreplaceable and i believe that speaks to the very reason i would like to be with BJ and my wife.
i do believe joney and i are two people in this world that absolutely understand life sometimes better than most, and at the same time we have moments where we can't spell our middle names (oh, wait... i don't have one). that's not to say people haven't attempted to give me one my entire life so it still fits.
ok, monday night football should be on the tube and some smashmouth action could do wonders at this point.
can't wait for the nhl to drop their puck this wednesday... believe me, that will be on in the background, even through dinner. oh yes, indeed.

check it - children's favorites, vol 1... BJ loves jumping around to them ditties!

i bid thee adou.

fairly average day...

nothing much going on today, coach carter was a welcome surprise. i think they could have played out the sketches of some of the younger kids and specifically there struggles with the inner city, however it was still a solid film.
i watched the lions lose again. another close game gets away from them and i suppose nothing more needs to be said.
i return to work tomorrow and hope to be calling it a night soon. laundry is almost done, small headache is finally subsiding.
i forgot to mention that my weezer/foo fighters tickets came in the mail so that was a pleasant reminder of some fun ahead (thursday). nothing's changed, as far as i know wednesday is still what was supposed to be my fourth wedding anniversary. i'm trying not to focus on it so much but it's honestly too much at times.
ok, family guy's on in the background and i could use some good laughs.

check it - telecast, eternity is now... picked it up today

good night.

hail to the victors!

it's always a good day when michigan defeats michigan state in any sport. the game today was nothing short of what an in-state rival should be. BJ and i had a great time cheering on the maize and blue together. my parents didn't make it to town after all. apparently something came up so i took a raincheck until the next week or two. my mom bought BJ an exersaucer and i definitely look forward to getting BJ in that thing as soon as possible. i'm sure they'll work it out so we can visit soon.
it's been a pretty low key day since the game ended. i've been doing laundry, laundry, and yes you guessed it... laundry! i swear it will be such a great feeling to get to the bottom of this clothes heap i created before my leave from work began.
to be honest, i'm actually feeling a bit lonely tonight. i'd been doing pretty well with being my own company but today was quite difficult and it's not over yet. it might have someting to do with the fact that my wife and i always used to watch the UM-MSU game together each year because interestingly enough i married a spartans fan. our differences aside it was usually one hell of a time catching the game together because she got into it more than i did, jumping around and throwing sofa pillows and such when there was a bad call or something of the like.
aside from that i also feel the weather has gotten the better end of me lately since we haven't had sunshine for awhile. it's been overcast since rita hit the coast. i don't know how that matters this far north but that's just me being naive.
anyway, i rented coach carter and i've heard it as actually a great film. i usually like the pictures based on true stories and it can only be a bonus to have it revolve around one of the four major sports.
i just rewatched radio the other day with cuba gooding jr and it reminds me of the amazing performance he put on in that film. besides, samuel l jackson never seems to dissapoint.
the anxiousness of my upcoming anniversary hasn't gone away. i did ask my wife to spend some time with me that day with our child, if not only to achieve being in the same space together and enjoying each other's company. that's basically what i'm working on right now, especially considering the fact my role will soon be changing from husband to friend if all goes well. my therapist keeps reminding me to let things fall where they may, which always intrigues me because he must know by now that i don't expect anything to happen overnight. i'm sure he means well, and so do many other people right now that are being protective.
ok, i suppose that's enough for now... early morning tomorrow and many things to do before i return to work this monday. thanks for listening and feel free to leave your quarter on the windowsill.

check it - mutual adoration society, self-titled album, i needed something really mellow

lights out.