stumbling onto another observation

you may want to sit down for this one... nothing bad, just compulsion to open my heart and let the words fall where they may.

just returned from an exhilarating scooter ride (3rd of the season), a time where my thoughts were keeping pace with the speed of the bike. you know that feeling you get when several things orbit your mind simultaneously and you're not quite sure what they all mean? that's happened now for nearly a month, and i'm certainly no stranger to it visiting on occasion.

this time, while changing lanes on eastbound m-21 it struck me. now, that's no guarantee i'll be able land this plane with brevity in my corner, but i'll at least be able to put a face to this stream of consciousness.

the premise for this serious of thoughts/feelings is what i'll refer to as the hardening of the heart, or lack thereof, as it were. we're all well aware of how entering this world means having the innocence of a newborn, or in this specific case the absence of preconceived notions/ideas (about anything). at least i believe we can all agree if there's any cognitive patterns taking place in utero they're not likely building defense against the ills that await us. to illustrate this point visually, if it's necessary, i'm fairly certain most of you have seen the recent picture floating around the interwebs of two adults at the grocery store. these two are facing opposite directions directly across from one another in the same aisle. with newborn (or at least very early stage) babies in tow, respectively, their children (one of which appears to be caucasian and another african american) naturally reach for each other in what can only be described as an act of pure love. now, i'm not suggesting babies at this age understand romance, but i am saying we're born with the understanding that life was/is not intended to be experienced alone. we connect with our mothers in the womb and that cycle only perpetuates itself. ok, so the point is made.

somewhere along the line, a different place for everyone, we begin to find ourselves influenced and brainwashed by separatism. this is nobody's particular fault, as truly it can be found almost everywhere you look. suffice to say by the time all of us entered high school, we'd already been subject to countless acts of hate, discrimination, violence, and the like. the sources may be different, depending on the culture and circumstances with which each of us experience, but the result is usually a gradual hardening of the heart.

for me, i trace back bigotry in my family lineage to the old midwest towns where some of my latter ancestors were raised, but i'm sure it's considerably more dated than that. take for example, god bless him and the countless life lessons i learned under his care (none of which i'll ever forget), but hobie (my now deceased grandfather) was racist as hell. he meant well and i'm almost certain his heart was usually in the right place, but he wasted no time to jump to unfair and inconsiderate conclusions about minorities. i don't hold a grudge today because that would be silly, but i can clearly identify some of the earlier bouts i had with race sensitive issues. hobie's parents, whom i never met so far as i recall, were said to be the stimulus for what he carried forward. that is to say, this behavior was modeled to him so he was conditioned to believe it was ok. i love my grandfather with every ounce of my core and nothing will ever change in that respect. having said that, i do fear he may never have truly felt what it's like to not fear certain people, or at least consider others inferior or less worthy.

in all honesty, it wasn't unusual or in any way abnormal for me to perpetuate this wrongful judgment. i did so mostly with blacks but other minority groups were not given a pardon. the term "colored" was something that always made me squirm but it wasn't long before i caught myself using it, and what's more it eventually didn't have the sting it once carried.

being a military brat meant, among other things, growing accustomed to moving several times. this is something many of you have experienced first hand, but those that haven't can surely relate on some level, even if for different reasons. all this to say, even though we relocated considerably less than the average family, we resided in our fair share of different locales. thankfully, shortly after leaving a relatively short stint in indiana, i began to experience what most consider diversity. but this wasn't the buzz word thrown around many organizations these days for equal opportunity reasons, this was having 5-7 different ethnicities in one classroom - the earliest form of a melting pot experience. it was here that i can honestly say i learned a great deal of things about other people who looked, dressed, sounded, acted, and lived different than me. little could i possibly know how valuable these encounters would prove to be today, for i was oblivious to the bigger life lessons.

ok, so what began in flint michigan and eventually made its way through the states of indiana, nebraska, missouri, and back to flint... has shaped my current world view, for better or worse.

by the time i reached higher levels of my education (pre-college), i had fortunately developed a much stronger awareness and appreciation for peoples differences and/or similarities. this isn't to say i found myself completely immune to all the life matters i've proposed had an effect on hardening my heart - oh, no... it's simply that each life experience (good/bad/indifferent) is responsible for collectively building who/what i am today.

for instance, by the time i made it to high school and spent a very brief run in missouri, where i initially knew only a couple people, a legitimate hatred towards what we'll refer to here as "country folk" had emerged. quick aside and something once again military brats immediately relate to on some level, these relocations sometimes mean connecting with the same friends multiple times in different states. such was the case in missouri, where i had the pleasure of making ties with an old friend of mine from time in nebraska. yeah, i'm looking at you Rodney. as anyone remotely close to will attest of this time, rodney and i had our fair share of run-ins with cowboys. given several of my friends were either black or some other form of minority in their own right, the missouri cowboys didn't take too kindly to me. let's just say they had enough time and experience by the end of the year to think twice about stepping to me or any of my friends. not that i condone violence or even in the slightest way encourage fighting fire with fire, just making clear that a (young) man had to do what a man had to do. if i didn't tell you there were times my defense was an act of sheer survival, i'd be lying. yes, it became that pathetic. today, i don't understand it, nor do i really try, but for different reasons i'm more in tune with how these acts of hatred occur. obviously i did very little to diffuse the situation, and it's not until much later that i've learned one must sometimes spend some time on the battlefields to gain perspective. i'm hoping my son won't have to do this until he's truly ready, but i understand there's no control i have over what certain elements of his future may hold.

ok, so we'll use this particular phase of my life to illustrate a disdain for country folk and finding myself growing tired of needing a defense. point being, i spent a few rounds in the ring, so to speak.

the next thing that initially threw me sideways (read as i had no idea what to make of it) was exposure to what's now considered the lgbt community. this happened for the first time in college, and honestly i'm not proud of my actions towards these people. while i never physically hurt anyone for expressing a different sexual preference than my own, i spewed venom from my mouth more times than i care to admit. why did i do this, you might ask? great question. not sure i know exactly, besides the fact i didn't like the idea of seeing two guys sexually attracted to one another. the thought back then was honestly horrifying. of course, while i'd love to say it wasn't gender specific i'm going to simply confess to fitting the stereotype. you know the one of which i speak, where men might find it hard to stomach two guys kissing each other but two (or more, because that was additional thrill) women doing the same was somehow madly attractive. yes, it's true, or at least it was.

bottom line, i played right into the hate speech all my friends would start. even though i can honestly say i never facilitated any of it, i know it to be true that it's just as bad if i carry it forward. there's much more i can say here but it's best to simply push right into the unique (ross-like) experience.

yes, for you "friends" enthusiasts, i didn't lose a potential bride (at least i think that's what happened in that pivotal episode... i've only truly seen like 4 total friends shows) at the altar, but one of my early girlfriends did come out while she and i were together. kate was an early love interest and throughout a good part of middle school, we were inseparable. obviously one doesn't necessarily grasp the gravity of love at this point in life, but it's fair to say we "totally dug each other." fast forward the tape, to where we're both now in college. kate invited me to a gathering the local campus radio station was sponsoring, only to find the greater majority of its biggest promoters were her gay friends (and subsequent lovers). no sense in building smoke screen here, this community was heavily promiscuous and there was no shame in being open about it. today, i've learned this to still somewhat be true about certain lgbt circles, but at that time i had no idea how to respond. i believe initially i didn't say much at all, for fear it might come out wrong and offend. having enough time to think things through and come to terms with what had just happened, i eventually befriended several of the people with whom kate was originally attempting to introduce me. kate and i would go our separate ways later into my college term, for no certain reason, but i still to this day appreciate this time and the effect it had on me.

shortly thereafter, or potentially felt simultaneous to the time with kate, i began to experience conservative religious groups (read as extremism). this, too, could be a chapter in and of itself but i'll make my best effort to keep it short. it wasn't unusual to field half a dozen knocks on my dorm room door weekly, all of which were some form of "invite" to join a faith-based group. now, to be fair to these people i should tell you that i was no stranger to "religion," only i hadn't up to this point known what it was like to feel "marked" by extremist radicals. i'd been raised catholic and chose my senior year in high school to not become confirmed, yet i'd been active in social clubs that identified with faith, or at least core values that they believed everyone should possess. (fca, cyo, etc)
even when i might have occasionally felt strong armed into something in my interaction with these groups, it couldn't possibly have prepared me for the relentless pursuit of some of these campus crusaders. it wasn't an overtly religious institution, just that pockets of the school community were infested with close-minded bigots. ok, so you likely see where this is headed, i'm sure. there were many colorful experiences but none more irritating and anger inducing than the time i received one of them colorful (term used because there was always a sort of songwriting quality to these knocks, which is to say they had a different rhythm, and i've since learned this to be referred to as desperation) knocks upon my chamber door. like many times i'd done before, i asked them to identify themselves so i could ready my artillery (no, i didn't have weapons, just my mind). on this particular occasion the person wouldn't go away by my polite request, as he claimed to have "very important news." yes, if your mind is immediately going to the "good news" most people might be thinking, mine followed the same pattern of thought. it wasn't the good news in the most traditional sense, in fact the information he had to share with me was horrifying. i'd been signed up to attend a weekend gathering with this group, as they took it upon themselves to suggest it was a "can't miss experience."

now, let me pause here for a moment because i need to make something clear. at this point i was waiting for the guy to say that he had to "off" my parents because they were just "getting in the way." no, mom and dad, nobody was really coming after you... but it sure felt as if they had my life by the nuts at that particular moment.

let me also explain that i didn't have ANY great feelings about this initially. in fact, i tried to push the guy out of my room and that's when he hit me with it. the resort this group booked was well... let's just say posh and breathtaking. that's when my paradigm began to shift. if nothing else, i could use these people for a good time at a place i might never afford. so... i did exactly that. the talks and group time was forgetful and by most people's estimation frightening and an invasion of personal space. nevertheless, i partied like a rock star at their expense. they've since thought twice about coercion and strategic tactics to gain "recruits."

ok, so all this to say i had numerous reasons to think religious people were effin crazy.

steady the rutters and shift appropriately for wind speed because this is where we're about to reach our intended destination - present day.

a lot of people i encounter today have had similar or comparable experiences to the ones i've animated above. there's plenty others where those lie, but i suppose that's for a different time/place. what i believe we have is the choice to support or stand firmly against the chapters of our own lives. in my case, it's a little of both but more the latter. i've learned through these situations that i have no interest in being bitter, only better.

we live in a day and age where people are being held down for their beliefs, values, culture, etc. point here is there's less acceptance and more ignorance. there are additional walls (or silos, if you will) built to safeguard one (or more) groups from others who may be considered a potential threat. now, let me make one thing perfectly clear... there are times where we need these barriers (terrorism, among others) but the greater majority of the time we should be tearing down these walls and pushing through to the other side(s).

there are areas of this world that appreciate and celebrate diversity, yet they are no less susceptible to decisions being made for them that segregate and eventually strip their people (and those whom they hold dear) of basic needs. bottom line, we're all individuals in need of the same fundamental things (when broken down to the most rudimentary level), yet we lead very private lives, globally speaking.

today, i know many hearts that have solidified to what appears to be a point of no return. my hope is that proves to be a farce and they eventually experience the freedom of love in its purest uninhibited (which is, among other things, to say a lack of fear and need to protect themselves from hatred) form. i'm not entirely there and i have considerably less from which to feel initially threatened, but i'm grateful for how my heart appears to actually be softer as time passes. i'm thankful for the many opportunities i have to move through life with people of all walks, backgrounds, stories, etc.

i understand my place and that's to be loving, caring, and resourceful to those whom may benefit from my time. after all, time is the real currency we have, and i'm happy to exchange it for the hope of more people's freedom from oppression, premature judgment, sexism, or any other vice that may stand in the way of them becoming the most beautiful form of who they were meant to be.

this doesn't always come gracefully, but it's a choice worth making. i consciously resist any gravitational pull towards the "dark side" (yes, no personal essay is complete without a reference to star wars) because it's a trap (ok, maybe two star wars nods), clearly. thank you to all whom regularly accept me as i am, for it's your encouragement and support that helps me see more vividly what this turntable of life truly holds.

i'm in a very exciting and healthy place. when the heart becomes pliable it allows for more love to be stored, and eventually given. take comfort in knowing i'm especially thrilled for the latter, but it's fantastic to feel the former once again... i mean really deep into the crevices of my soul.

it's been a long time.

overjoyed.

(thanks for hanging with me through this if you've made it this far - i realize this may not have come together in the most direct flight pattern, but it's a joy to have you along for the ride)