to finally return...

i thankfully will be returning to work on monday! the pain hasn't vanished completely but it's worlds apart from what it once was. i should be capable of getting back in the program but i'm not going to say i'm looking forward to the inevitable piles of paperwork that await. in a perfect world my team would do what they could to pinch hit in my absence but history has proven that i will likely have mounds to sift through come next week.
BJ is practically running and luckily i'm feeling better so i can almost catch him now. he still looks like a little man, mature and all. he's however taken to his independence lately so i believe his mom and i have some tests to endure in the near future. he hears the word "no" but will give you an ear to ear grin and go back to his mischief. oh well, he's a kid and that's what kids do. his mom and i will be trying out different forms of "time-out" as well. we can't have an undisciplined kid, if not for the only reason being that i cannot stand going to the grocery store and listening to somebody else's little brat piss and moan about why they can't take home the entire toys department. there will inevitably be a learning curve but BJ will understand humility at some point, not to mention the value of what he does have.

i actually can't wait to just be able to drive. i haven't driven myself since june 12th. of course i've started my car a few times since then to eliminate the possibility of condensation in my gastank but that doesn't carry the same feelings.
since i've basically been lying around on my ass for over a month i need to focus on getting back to things slowly. i'm also a little concerned about returning to the days where my free time is limited but i know that's just the facts of life. this down time certainly has not been a vacation by any means but i certainly could have found it in myself to do a little more around the house, especially since i'm not likely to have this kind of time again anytime soon. again... oh well, i'll manage just fine.
i've really kicked around the idea of getting my house wrapped up (all the project loose ends) and placing a for sale by owner in my yard next year. my sister Joney has had her home on the market for awhile now and the market has been real slow. of course the market can fluctuate and it's not much different (if at all) in florida than it is in michigan. it's been difficult for her to be patient with things and that gives me enough motivation to steer clear of following suit until the market picks back up a little. she and i are in different situations though because she's looking to move based on a timeline and i have no desire to move anytime soon unless i could get what i need from my house, in order to put a down payment on another place.
my next parading grounds will likely be a condominium. given my lifestyle and how much i loathe yardwork and lack handyman skills, it's self evident that condo life is for me. it's not much different than an apartment, with of course the major difference being that you own the place. after owning a house there's no reason for me to go back to renting, period.

i've come further in my efforts to coordinate this benefit event for Invisible Children. as of right now sleeping at last is confirmed to play and i'm extremely close to locking in the second act. everyone at IC camp is jazzed about getting this baby off the ground so i'm looking forward to being able to shift gears into PR. a few logistics obviously need to happen before i can do that but all signs point to that taking place real soon. it's such a horrible injustice that takes place in Northern Uganda so i hope to make this event something the kids will take away from for years.

i took myself off cymbalta altogether recently. i felt like it was time to try and do this by myself. so far i haven't seen any real drastic side effects besides shakes now and again, but it's nothing significant and almost always intermittent.
i'm sleeping a little better recently but that probably has more to do with the fact that i got my window AC unit fixed and it's more comfortable in my room. i still sense strong traces of my ex wife in the room and that makes it difficult to focus. nothing against her, it actually has more to do with the scent of her skin and hair that i loved so much. it's a challenge to recognize those things and feel secure about myself but i'm getting better. the fact is she brought a lot of things to me that were special and i hope in time we'll be able to tap into some of those things platonically. it would simply be a waste not to.

i still haven't been able to read. that problem has been going on for over 5 years now and testing my patience, yet i still find ways to manage. i used to read books, mostly novels and self help books for some reason. i guess you can blame that on my psychology major more than anything but for instance stephen covey's work used to fascinate me. i guess the fact that i read so much back then also attributed to my english major as well. to have a double major (more from picking classes strategically than it is being smart) and still be looking for a career, it gets rather frustrating at times. good thing i still write, otherwise i don't know what i would be doing. hopefully i start to write poetry and lyrics again someday.

one of my favorite bands (five for fighting) is releasing their fourth record this coming tuesday so i've been really spinning a lot of their older material in anticipation for it. five for fighting is actually one man (John Ondrasik) with a LOT of musical talent and ideas. you may recognize a few of his tunes that got a lot of airplay around the time of 9/11 - superman, easy tonight, and more recently 100 years. the fact is John has been at this game for over 10 years and somebody finally chose to take notice of his amazing abilities to write great melodies and his superior piano playing. needless to say, i'm excited for tuesday.
otherwise, another one of my favorite bands (blue october) has been appearing all over the place in the media since their latest album "foiled" was released. it's great to see these guys getting some respect for working their asses off since the early 90s. i was very upset that i had to miss their latest tour stop in detroit a few days ago because of this illness and the pain, however something tells me they will be coming through again real soon. at least if this most recent success repeats itself, it's likely a matter of months.

my friend DC has been hard at work, preparing for his upcoming wedding in october. he's also been playing out a lot more with his band the estradas. i didn't make their last show but he said it was an amazing time. i wouldn't be surprised to find a more complete website for these guys in the very near future.
DC's other band 256 (he's actually in 3) finished their demo last week and will be working with a friend of theirs in nashville in the coming months, in hopes they could then shop it out to labels. they finally recorded their cover of prince's "beautiful ones," which is a song old school fans (including myself) have been waiting to find on CD for a long time. hopefully they will have it on their myspace site soon so stay tuned...

i suppose that's enough rambling for now. i felt compelled to leave a longer post this time around since it's been awhile that i've visited these parts. hope all are well and i want to thank you for all the encouragement and prayer. you good people that frequent this blog breathe a welcome dimension into my life and it's my hope that i might reciprocate that periodically.

back from surgery...

my last operation was earlier today... i've been in a lot of pain lately so i took a break from quite a few things... didn't want to overdo it, i guess.
the anesthetic is finally starting to wear off and hopefully i'll feel much better in the morning. it's a different kind of pain since i got the stint out, more sharp lower left side jabs in the back. i don't understand it really...

i also had to take a break from coordinating this benefit concert i've been working on over the past few weeks. evidently it's no longer common courtesy to return e-mails or phone calls within 48 hours. i don't know where i must have been.

keeping the faith...

thank goodness for service contracts...

that's right, my laptop decided recently that it was going to just start powering itself down for no apparent reason. thankfully i invested in the trusty Geek Squad at Best Buy to handle such inconveniences. the only bad news is they have to ship it away to the technical team to diagnose the problem so i'll be without my light speed processor for a week or so. oh, how kids get attached to their little toys. what ever will i do!

it's a hot one today! just rode the bus to take the computer in and it's time for a change of clothes. i hear it's supposed to start cooling off a bit though so that will be a welcome change. i guess it wouldn't be so bad because it is summer after all, but my neighbor decided last spring to chop down this huge maple tree he had in the front of his house. that tree was responsible for 70% or more of the shading that my house got on a regular basis. now, you guessed it... nothing. i'm lucky if i get the normal shade from the shift of the sun, which makes me believe that neighbors should have to consult you before they go and make major decisions like that, don't you think? i mean, what if it was the other way around and i ultimately caused their living room to be on average 7-10 degrees warmer during the day... do you think they would mind? i suppose they in particular might not because the house came with central air. mine, not so much. i pay my respects to two little window units to do the trick. i must say, thus far they've made their mark and those little energy star lassies can purr with the best of them.

ok, i'm off to either shower or eat... either way they are both sure to happen.

benefit concert...

i've been working real hard this past week on staging a benefit concert with my church, to raise funds and awareness of the Invisible Children campaign. since time is what i seem to have a lot of lately with this medical condition I've been able to make great strides in getting the foundation set for this event.
everything is in the infancy stage at this point but i've made contacts to about 15 different artists that i have to narrow down to two, basically pending their availability and our budget. it's been awhile since i've coordinated an event of this caliber but it brings back great memories. i'll hopefully know more about my efforts by the end of the week or beginning of the next.

in completely unrelated news, my last operation is finally scheduled for next tuesday. they are looking to remove the stint and hopefully rid me of further pain. i know i've said it many times but this sort of pain just wasn't meant to be experienced. seriously, this needs to be reserved for the depths of hell, of which i hope to never know more about.

i discovered a new artist that i've been spinning lately. her name is Kate Earl and you can google her to find out more. think Fiona Apple meets Joni Mitchell. she's only just released her first record so you won't need much effort to catch up to speed.

finally, it's official... i have my tattoo appointment this friday, where after a very long wait i will be branded with something directly related to my son. no doubt in my mind that it will quickly become my favorite.

the soundtrack to my week thus far has been Ben Folds' "Songs For Silverman." i watched his live in aussie performance again this past week and it prompted me to check out the latest bonaroo festival footage. classic, that's all i can say right now.

lastly, we will be greeted by another long overdue record come august 1, which is none other than Two Lights by Five For Fighting. i've heard 4 complete songs and 1 demo from the record and really got into the ones i checked out... that's sure to remain true.

finding patience with the slowness of recovery...

these past several days have been really difficult and i haven't been inspired to write much. the feelings of guilt and shame (whether or not warranted) can be really ugly at times and they decided to have a few sleep-overs with me. tomorrow may bring more on this but for now i should do everyone a favor and try resting my head, for the fourth time...

waking ashland - telescopes ...easily my musical outlet most recently.

come on now... seriously people

this is beyond disgusting and so damn hard to believe... yet it happened.

http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/5758088?FSO1&ATT=HMA

great opportunity and cause...

i'm not going to take a platform (i hope) or wave a flag of awareness so as to not isolate anyone... but if you're interested in making a difference, please follow this link and contribute where you're able:

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/theMission/ourMission/

i believe this a beautiful movement but you can take from it what you will.

thanks for your consideration.

there's two areas thus far in which i've been an activist, the one above and another amazing movement called ToWriteLoveOnHerArms. both are worthy of your curiosity at the very least. the latter is one i've been extremely passionate about since coming out of the hospital almost a year ago. i met some girls in the psychosis ward that were having real difficulties with self mutilation and the like, to which i attempted to embrace both of them and encourage them to find more constructive/valuable ways to spend their time. i don't take much credit at all for their transformation but both were able to slow down/stop their cutting while i was in the hospital and that really touched me. i'm not sure what's come of them at this point because they were both really young and i didn't bother to share contact information b/c at the time it seemed like a really intimidating thing for an early 30 something to be calling on a teenager. i must admit, i've wondered at times how they're doing so maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad idea.
Renee, the girl TWLOHA is based on was 19 when this all took place so i don't see how her story is any different than the girls i met, yet i support her every chance i get. strange how that works but i feel a gravitational pull to Renee's story and struggles, partly because i was suicidal to some degree around the same time she was and i don't feel those emotions know age barriers.
anyway, i have tried to become an ambassador to TWLOHA and i'm not afraid/ashamed to admit my position in making this the most influential movement so it can change as many lives as possible.
i know where i was when i almost took my life and i simply don't want anyone else to feel the way i did, or Renee did.
for now, TWLOHA has a myspace page that can be found at:
www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms but they just officially became a non-profit organization and will soon have their own site at www.twloha.com so please stop by if you so feel the desire.

i'm not into politics but i appreciate how this blog allows me to speak out on some very important issues that have shaped my soul, and i hope you understand my decision to share them with you is deeply rooted in that same passion rather than blind persuasion.

thanks for your love and support. i truly love you good people that have found yourselves checking back with me, more than you know.

deppth and more...

i should mention that i can't take any credit for the play on words in this subject heading. i intended to report on the latest article on johnny depp in rolling stone magazine, however it's probably best that you just read it yourself because i wouldn't do it justice. i followed depp as a young actor for his charismatic and often calculated ability to take on just about any role. i don't know that i get into this latest pirate series but he does have some brilliant parts regardless. one of my favorite's is edward scissorhands because i used to feel the way his character did many years ago, lost and bewildered, cold and confused. thankfully that's no longer the case very often but it still has a place in history. read the new article in RS if time permits and you happen to know someone with a subscription, or just time to pass in/near a bookstore.

radiohead's thom yorke has a new album coming out next tuesday called the eraser. i've heard a few songs off the internet and must admit it's not feeling right with me at this point. radiohead seems to reinvent themselves with every album, something that's much more difficult than it would seem. i don't know that they necessarily have a re-birth in sound as much as a creative spin on it as each album unfolds, with the exception of the bends to ok computer's transition because that was easily from rock to space/math rock. i'm a bigger fan of older radiohead. the newer albums circa kid a and amnesiac, not to mention all that followed has brought about a very loyal following and i would probably be executed if i said out loud how i feel about these albums collectively, at least in certain social circles. sadly (for me), yorke's solo efforts seem to fit right in line with the synthesized tracks on later radiohead albums... not my favorite.

i learned via an overdue letter from MetLife that my return to some form of normalcy should take place on/around the 17th. i'll have to take it real slow (if possible b/c they push hard at work) so i don't have a complete relapse. so far this time away has really only resulted in the ability to heal my body internally, with the rare exception of getting out of the house when my friends have time, or there was a scheduled event that i knew about. i hope to catch up on some laundry this week since i'm able to tackle stairs now. that will actually be a great change b/c my room is hard to find at the moment from all the clothes i've worn these past few weeks. i've really only worn variations of the same few things so it shouldn't be that bad, except for some reason my floor is buried.
the basement is still an absolute wreck. maybe i can begin to sift through all the stuff that was thrown around and misplaced so my housemate could move in as quickly as he did. i think my feline friends have enjoyed making an obstacle course of all the boxes, bags, etc.

i just really need to not focus on the work ahead of me. if these stones/infection were in fact due to stress i could easily find myself in this situation again real soon if i'm not careful.

very soon... very soon, indeed...

my Dad just sent me a near final draft of the tattoo he's designing for me... i'm so jazzed with what he's come up with to this point and can hardly contain myself to see what some of the modifications that we discussed will look like. who knows, it may only be weeks away at the rate he's working. i'm so proud of my Dad's work and it obviously means so much more coming from him, and knowing that it is all out of dedication to BJ.

it's been another lazy day, no fireworks plans besides continuing to the booms outside my office window. i'm sure it will go on for another few hours into early tuesday.

i had a chance to listen to that snow patrol record about five times now and it's really growing on me. chasing cars is a song on the new record that's speaking very loudly to my soul at the moment... good thing it's only a metaphor.

BJ was in rare form earlier... i sure do love him to pieces!

heritage...

i almost forgot... my Dad has been working on drawing another tattoo for me, this time completely centered around BJ. i talked with him earlier and learned that the design will soon be complete and i can make the appointment. since i became a father and my life changed overnight to include the most important thing in my life, BJ, i've felt compelled to archive my love for him. it makes little sense that i would have other significant tattoos in celebration of things in my life and not one of them has to do with BJ. well, that soon will not be the case and i couldn't be more proud to brand myself with a direct reflection of my son. rather than giving away the concept i will just e-mail pics to those that request them when it's done. what i can tell you is that it will not be a portrait piece. nope, rather it will be more based on my background and BJ directly.
i'm eager to see what my Dad comes up with when it's ready.

this will be the second time in less than a year that a very meaningful tattoo will begin it's life with me forever, right Joney? :)

love all around...

4th could happen fast enough

maybe i'm just getting old but i'm having a hard time dealing with the fireworks going off in my neighborhood for the past few weeks at 10pm - 1am. i can't wait for the city fireworks displays and then for this holiday to pass.
today's been a very chill day. DC came and picked me up for a late breakfast and brought me by his place to listen to some of the new demos he and his band the effort are working on right now. in case you're beginning to get confused... yes, DC plays in three different bands so to clarify, here's where you can keep informed:
256 - www.twofivesixmusic.com (plays guitar and backing vocals)
the effort - www.theeffortrocks.com (plays guitar and lead vocals)
the estradas - www.myspace.com/theestradas (plays drums)
i know it can sometimes be a challenge to keep up with DC so i wanted to make sure you're all clear on his work.
anyway, i listened to the two latest song ideas for the effort and they were both really good. i see a lot of potential and look forward to seeing what will come of them.
before DC brought me home he was kind enough to take me by circuit city so i could make use of a gift card i received for my birthday. i finally picked up the newest snow patrol record. they didn't have the other record i was looking for but if you're able to find it, i was searching for the eels' live record where they play with a full string section. i'm a sucker when it comes to adding symphonic sounds to pop and rock music.
the rest of the day has been spent doing a whole lot of nothing. besides DC's call earlier the phone has rang twice, both times they had the wrong number.

i've been having a more difficult time lately with passing time and feeling good about how it was spent. it's just not easy for me to accept that i need to heal and that prevents me from being productive around the house, all for the better because i should be resting. i guess it's similar to asking a sprinter to walk, or something like that.

i did get to see BJ earlier and that continues to be the light in my day. he was in a much better mood today and he was even a little clingy, which i encourage since i don't see him every day. he was up to his regular antics, my favorite of which is watching him chase the cats. i'm sure both of my felines are equally fascinated with this as well.

ok, back to some snow patrol so i can get a better sense of how i feel about this record.

where did June go?

i look down this morning to find that June has left us in the midst, and my hope is that i find a way to remember some of the cool lessons it taught me. i've really kind of been a student this past month in the face of desparation and i'm hopeful that i can take away some very valuable information to help me overcome whatever else lies ahead. to my own admission, at this very moment i don't recall much about June, likely due to the very obstacles i've already documented in this blog. i am however quite confident that once i've had the chance to look back on these trials, i will almost certainly become stronger for it all.
the last few days have been more of the same, with the exception of last night, where i took in my friend DC's first show with his side project called The Estradas. the show was set in an old irish pub on the northeast side of Grand Rapids. i don't recall how to spell the name of the club but i do recall that it was two people's names, which i heard has more to do with family tradition amongst the owners than anything else. i don't know much else about it unfortunately.
the night began with The Estradas' set. the band played about six songs from their upcoming record, which is in pre-production at the moment. i've been around since the early inception of the creative ideas that later became songs so it was cool to hear the music materialize. maybe it's best to direct you to the band's myspace page rather than describe the sound. the songs they have on that site are old scratch tracks from early demos but it might at least give you some sense of what they sound like so follow this link:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=30934549
the band was really pleased to have their first live gig behind them and they appeared to get a warm reception so i wouldn't be surprised to see them playing out more very soon. it's just great to see some close friends step away from their usual roles in music and create completely different material than what we're used to hearing from each of them. the lead singer has spent several years behind the drum kit and he exchanges that for front man duties in The Estradas. DC generally plays guitar and either lead or backing vocals but with this band he is the madness taking place on the skins. the parts written for this band are easily some of the most challenging drum pieces i've witness in a long time.
next to take stage was a local act called Love's Lost Heroes. they are usually a four piece but their drummer had another gig so they played with bass, guitar, and vocals. their sound is very bluegrass, folk, often compared to a rootsier Wilco. they have female fronted vocals and her voice was amazing, very sharp and precise. at times the sound was brassy but that most likely has more to do with the mix than the actual performers themselves. the cool surprise of the night is their bassist played an upright bass for the gig. now, few people around here understand my deep appreciation for the upright bass because they realize how many years i spent supporting local jazz trios, where the upright version has become a staple. since the Rhythm Kitchen closed years ago i have struggled to find a cool club that hosts local jazz but the time will come.
anyway, i was pleasantly surprised by their upright bass. i later learned that the lead vocalist and bassist were brother and sister, which made the music take on that family connection and give it a little deeper meaning. i'm not sure why that is but i seem to really like when family decides to do music together, it's hard to describe.
this was my first time seeing Love's Lost Heroes and i was happy with what i heard. it's very different for this area, which is comforting because there is a fair share of monotony amongst the scene. this band had a fresh sound and i would be curious to see what they sound like with their drummer. i really favored the more stripped down approach and my hope would be that the percussion doesn't make the songs sound too filled in or busy. drums usually accentuate and provide a key role to the rhythm but sometimes drummers do too much so hopefully their drummer is more subtle. maybe i'll found out sometime here real soon. if so, i'll report on my findings.
the last band to play was Jake Stevens and the Strangers. Jake is actually the older brother of the lead in The Estradas, and i also have known Jake for equally as long as the other guys. JSatS rocked the house, period. it was refreshing to see them play out since it had been awhile that i've been able to catch a show. they've been playing some pretty cool clubs around town but obviously i haven't been in a position to attend. i really wouldn't have been able to go last night if it hadn't been for the continued patience and support of JB and CB. i love that couple!
the band launched into mostly older material from Jake's independent release but mixed it up with some fresh new songs. i really like the direction the band has taken over the years, to include more instrumentation and artistic expression. the band has recently tested a string section and some really cool keyboard arrangements that add to the already exciting songs. before i forget, the band also has a myspace page and can be found here:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=6156412
you can find some of the newer material on their site but i believe it's long before they re-recorded some of the parts. either way, i really dig it. i'm real proud of my friends and how far they've come. Jake has always been VERY particular about his music and it's great to see him performing with a band finally. he used to write and play all the parts because he couldn't feel good about other people's interpretations of his material. well, that no longer appears to be the case now because the band around him really adds to what he created. in fact, some of the solo guitar work makes an amazing difference!
last night was incredible and carried a wide variety of emotions when watching everyone perform so well. i felt really blessed to have the opportunity.
no night like this would have been complete without a twilight run to Denny's for some Moons Over My Hammy. you simply cannot go wrong with this menu choice!
JB and CB, myself, and MW met for an evening meal amongst the rest of the alcohol influenced regulars at the restaurant. fortunately our hostess found a booth set in the far corner away from all the noise so we didn't have to listen to stories about broken promises, pick-up lines, hook-ups, let downs, climaxes... you get the point.
it was almost 3am before i was dropped off and i'm definitely paying the price at the moment. it was a great series of sacrifices though and i don't regret one minute. the only thing i wish i could have done was get up for church this morning. i didn't arrange a ride with anyone and by the time i had the opportunity to try the service(s) were nearly finished. i'll make up for it one way or another, i'm sure.

myspace is streaming johnny cash's final album in its entirety until tuesday. i'm really impressed by the growth of the man in black and to some degree it brings a sense of mysticism to hear his last recordings before he passed. i've found myself leaving this album on stream while i'm doing other things on the computer today.
i need to be sure to walk around the house periodically today and not spend too much time sitting in one place. the doctor encouraged me to become slowly more active to promote better healing with my vital organ, the good ol' left kidney.

perhaps i'll have something more to write about later today...