a very cold mountain...

what was all the hype about cold mountain? if ever there was a film that didn't deserve any accolades it received it is this pathetic picture. nicole looks just the way tom left her in far and away and the rest is chock full of horrible battle scenes, renee zellwegger with a terrible accent, and several others has beens.

good thing i had a mark rufalo film as back up.

BJ is almost crawling. he's good the army crawl down, just needs to get his legs more involved.

i've been on a 'sleeping at last' kick lately in celebration of their latest EP. great material!

living vicariously...

my favorite band's new single is painfully reflective of my life, please join me in releasing the demons...

"i have to block out thoughts of you
so i don't lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home"

since my wife left i've been choking back feelings to keep my sanity, often to the point where i feel it catches up to me as i lay down to rest my head on the pillow. the lack of intimacy in my life has recently led to a developing issue with pornography. i have to be one of the few guys left in this world that didn't have that inevitable rush to the local corner store to rip open the latest issue of hustler or playboy when we turned 14 or younger... nope, i honestly didn't even become succeptible to the nature of pornography until my second year in college. for that reason, among others i didn't ever really struggle with the temptation of catching the new releases from the back room.
so... here i am today, 31 fucking years old and facing a growing addiction to pornography, all because of insecurities that have found their way into my life after she left me.

i haven't purchased anything graphic, ever. i know, it's hard to believe but it's true... i've thought about it more these past few weeks than i had my entire life to date.

then of course there's the entire taboo aspect of pornography. i suppose it depends on who you talk to but in general it's not exactly easy to share with someone that you are struggling with temptation since your wife left... actually when i see it typed it seems rather trivial but unfortunately it still carries a stigma that i don't quite comprehend.

i've turned to prayer and i know there are other resources available, some of which i've already taken part in already, however it appears i felt like coming clean in cyberspace would help relieve some of the weight on my shoulders.

maybe you understand, perhaps not. at the very least, it's all honest.

vows...

what the f*ck do we actually mean by "i do?" does this mean we intend to, or something to the effect of i will if he/she lives up to my expectations? the depth of my vows have been weighing heavily on me the past few days.

anyone care to spot me, these aren't exactly sandbags in the bed of a truck.

chinese algae eater...

BJ and i took a change of pace today and spent most of our time together outside the house. we had a mission and that was to address this algae situation growing in our fish tank. my wife said chinese algae eaters are heros when it comes to making that green stuff disappear so i figured we would try our luck.
plecostemus are a good choice but they're too big for our novelty tank.

i stopped by the local shoe store to get BJ his first pair of kicks. there's something about those tiny little shoes that tug at my heart strings. he's not quite ready to use them for walking but it's getting colder and he's not exactly fond of socks. i figure it's a double bonus because now he'll have a method of keeping his socks on and it will keep him from catching a cold.

another day that almost has ended before i even realized it began... i really need a personal day from work to catch up some things around the house because it's borderline out of control at the moment.

back to the hockey game and maybe i'll try to make it through a movie afterward... i rented fargo and punch drunk love, the first of which i've seen many times and the latter i have not.

excuse the blah, blah, blahs...

i just noticed that my blog has been less than interesting in recent days... oh well, suppose i really need to feel inspired to actually offer up something captivating.
this post is sure to keep the tranquil mood of late but that's not necessarily a bad thing b/c it's temporary... it is what it is.
i returned for the last touch up on my lion tattoo yesterday... boy was it nice to have some pleasure pain... helps put some things in perspective.

i found out a friend of mine that broke up with another friend of mine less than six months ago (after a 3.5 yr relationship, mind you) is getting married to a new guy she just met two weeks after the aforementioned break-up...
surely i'm closer to the situation b/c of DJ, my friend of several yrs, who had it something fierce for this girl but never could work things out. i suppose he's moving on as well but it hardly appears he's even ready to seriously date, let alone join someone else at the altar... oh well, it's not my place to say when somebody's ready.

my friend DV is going to be the proud owner of a 1969 pontiac catalina that my company repo'd recently. we're both real excited about it b/c it's such a fun car to have for cruising around the open road... doesn't need much work, as we've already taken it for the initial highway test.

looking forward to tomorrow's men's group. a good friend of mine named AV joined us recently and has added a lot to the group's dynamic. another friend named MP has been kicking around checking it out and we hope he'll have the opportunity real soon since he's one cool MF. not only that but he and his wife are expecting twins in a few short months and could really use some prayer. MP has really come around and is now greatly looking forward to being a dad to three children. we couldn't be happier for him!

my fix of the past few weeks has been old death cab for cutie albums i've pulled off the shelf and added to the rotation... their new record called "plans" is brilliant and a must have for any fan of real pop rock music.

oh, i almost forgot... blah, blah, blah :)

weekend wrap...

left work, arrived at LVs place, waited around for the other 2 accomplices to arrive, kidnapped DV, threw DV huge party w/ lots of friends, couldn't let DV drink alone (shifts blame), woke up w/ a hangover for the first time in years, picked up BJ, took BJ to DVs mom's place, fell asleep w/ BJ on sofa, drove home and fell asleep on my sofa (are we seeing a pattern here), hockey game, woke up for church, spent good part of afternoon w/ JollyV and his wife, arrived back home in time to tend to laundry and write this HUGE run on fragmented sentence

twilight musing...

if the concept of people being around for a reason, season, or lifetime is true... wouldn't it be nice to know which ones are which before you sign the lease?

rage's live cd from LA has been very kind to me these past few days... raw to the core