it's only been seven years...

 april 2013 was the last entry I sat down, wrote, and published. there were a couple i recently discovered in my archives that hadn't been published, but technically april '13 remains the final time (until now) i visited this digital headspace.

what can i say? i'm married now with five kids. four of them i didn't help bring into this world but i'm committed through love and patience to see them through it. there's a lot being thrown at young ones these days so even though they may not want or ask for my help, they're family and they will receive it.

i'm still partly apart, as my original moniker would suggest from years ago. but when you stop to think about it, aren't we all? i don't know too many people (if any) that have it all together, and frankly that's just not the company i regularly keep anyway. 

so, it's 2020 -- AKA the year of the virus. and we thought Y2K was supposed to be bad, this year's already made the "hold my beer" comment to the past countless times. among other things, this means we all walk around now with masks on our faces nearly everywhere we go, even the bank. yeah, i never thought that's something i'd say let alone that it would be mandatory. strange times in which we're living. DJT is the president but i won't utter his name or accept him as my leader -- after all, since when was asking a former reality tv star to run our country a good idea? fucking republicans. actually, it's not all their fault, but i've never really shied away from blaming them for other things so this is no different.

sure, obama wasn't perfect. but you bet your sweet tits he didn't put us into harm's way even remotely as much as #45's dumb ass. but surely i digress, politics were never my forte... i just don't like DJT. in fact, i'm fairly certain i hate him, legitimately. 

the violence, hatred, and outright unjust behavior on display today is something unlike i've ever seen prior. we have people in power that encourage making the oppressed and marginalized people feel ever smaller than they already do -- a real boy scout, that one. 

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haven't read through previous entries so i have no basis for comparison but i'd say i'm damn lucky to be alive, have a family that (mostly) loves me, and friends that are for the most part a blessing. frankly, i've used the past seven years to figure out a few things about how life works. it seems i used to get stuck in certain emotions and pay too much credence to them, as well as the people responsible for saying/doing things to illicit specific feelings. these days, while i'm far from bulletproof, i've learned not to care as much about others' opinions.

i can only control myself, and even that is debatable. but the point is i cannot control how others receive what i say or do, just my reaction. i act in good faith that i'm generally making my points clear and communicating with purpose, but i also know my (and your) broken nature sometimes make things complicated. 

no sense in shame, no time for that shit. still keep things as real as possible. so wherever this may find you, know you're not alone in whatever you may be feeling. one thing's for sure, this turntable we're on is well worth keeping it spinning, regardless of how quick or in what direction. being here is far better than the alternative, so that's where i'll land this plane for now.

be encouraged, stay well. who knows, i might start coming back around here a bit more... possibly even look a few of you up that used to connect with me regularly. cheers!

*on rotation right now* -- joshua radin, be here now

may be some sort of crazy...

i carry emotion on a regular basis, and it runs the gamut. 

it's in my dna, and so i'm wired to express myself in good, bad, and indifferent situations.  an open book, if you will.  this means you'll bear witness to face first falls, public breakdowns, breakthroughs, milestones, treasured memories, and many more facets of my life.  all it takes on your part is to pay attention. to that end, you're the one to decide how interested or engaged you may be, and i suppose the same holds true for how you approach just about every other relationship or experience in your life.  the difference, at least as i see it, is some choose (or more specifically, manage because they CAN) to address these instances in private.  whatever/however you respond, i accept it as your truth and don't need it to mirror my own.

i'm not private.

in fact, there aren't many things in my life for which people are unaware.  of course, this doesn't mean everyone knows everything, just that if you get enough of my friends/family in a room together, it's not difficult to piece together my life.  if you have that kind of time, that is.

what i am not, in and of myself, is drama.  i appreciate some may see this otherwise because, for one reason or another, they don't directly relate to what i put out there.  that's not to say my contributions are right and they're wrong, or vice versa.  all this truly explains is that, we each have different preferences for how to give/receive information.  i'm not who i am for purposes of attention.  i'm me, as it's how/what i know, and sharing what i do is what is required to sustain the life i have.

all this to say, i can't control how somebody is going to react to me or anything i speak into the universe.  i can only offer my complete honesty and hope that much is appreciated, at the very least.  if it's not, likely there's  a reason, and usually it's not something with which i pay any mind.

the object of my deepest affection (with exception to the greatest love of my life, little big man) grieves privately and works through things without the aide of others (mostly), and i respect that.  may not relate to this approach but i know we're all unique in our ways, and so it does little good to fight it.  what i'd rather do is allow for time and the natural flow of life to come alongside the situation(s) and piece things together, one at a time.  this process isn't always something that comes easily, and it's by far where my patience is tested the most.  nevertheless, it makes sense to leave well enough alone, and so i do (or at least the strongest effort is constantly made). 

i stick to what i know to be true.  in this case, i love this person tremendously.  it's not about who deserves or has earned things in life but if it were, she's clearly worthy of any/all i have to give.

and so i lay myself out there.

this blog is one of my outlets.  i have few others, and i'm not sure that will change.  these words are sometimes filled with joy and sorrow, or perhaps even on occasion take up the form of scars, but i trust all of them.  every iota of energy spent in composing these statements happened for a reason, whether or not there was a clear motive, or simply the need to throw them into the world and see how they take shape all their own.  today is no different.

fortunately, there's been a consistent source of gratitude in my life, to keep any true harm at least arm's length from me.  without question, this force is little big man.  i lost count of how many times he's responsible for me still being alive.  this is not offered tongue-in-cheek, but it's also not me crying wolf.  it's real talk, and it's not something for which i'm either ashamed or feel the least bit guilty for sharing.  it's authentic, and on that merit alone, i'm entirely good with it.

this thursday i had the pleasure of once again spending some time around a person whose spoken into my life and added countless value, affirming many of the feelings i've had over the years.  anyone who may have followed this blog for awhile now will not likely be surprised this individual is justin furstenfeld, lead directional force behind art rock outfit blue october.  each time i have the privilege of sharing space with justin, whether directly or otherwise, it's immediately evident how much we share in common, and i connect with his soul.  now, mind you, there's certainly been times where i've been cautioned by the artist himself, to not become obsessed with his/their catalog.  i recall a conversation i had with justin in traverse city last year, where words were not mixed, and he had the following advice to offer - "do not fucking listen to my band's music all the time, regardless of how much it may speak to you... take note that as real as it is (and it is), it tends to come from dark places that one shouldn't visit for long periods.  take up some coltrane, sarah vaughan, or even sinatra... enlighten yourself, and then return to my writing for perspective if/when you're ready."  justin proceeded to explain how he writes from a place he NEEDS to exercise as a creative outlet, suggesting (and i believe entirely) it's not a choice.  in some ways, i find this process no different than the reason i keep this blog alive.  if i weren't to utilize this space in the manner i do, what's found here could instead evolve into a less safer (in many respects) outcome.

what's impressed me most, and certainly in a sincere sans "fandom" sort of way, is justin's ability to capture a life experience and deliver his recollection (provided it's an autobiographical sort of endeavor) with brutal honesty, even painfully at times.  too often the entertainment industry (for lack of other places, too) is chock full of this watered down polyanna bullshit, replete with next to no heart or means to "connect" with its message. 

i'm thankful to have learned justin's life is in a very good place now.  he's remarried with another child and has been clean for one day shy of a year.  in fact, at midnight the day of the show he was to have celebrated the official anniversary of his sobriety.  THAT is awesome.  he's also enjoying new faith and spiritual direction, which has amplified the aforementioned joy and elation.

even with as much reason to find myself excited about a friend's good fortune, that very same person quickly reminds me it's "one day at a time."  these were the only words we shared thursday because i was in a hurry to be somewhere else after the show.  but they're quite prophetic given their immediate relevance in my (and possibly your) life.  it's all any one of us can really focus on, but it's a lesson we're too quick to forget (or at least i am).

this blog entry isn't a byproduct of tangible loss, as i've not been stripped of anything.  change is inevitable and sometimes the plan doesn't go as you hope, but that doesn't make it bad simply by virtue of taking a different direction.  what this does more than anything else is reveals the truest form of reality, given none of us control every aspect of our lives (nor should we).  we must accept that it's not always up to us, and even ideas that may hurt our feelings initially, could possibly be the best resolve when all's said and done.  also, it may be entirely possible that your/my steps come full circle, and the nature of THIS time is but a stop along the way, to a destination we not only anticipated but hoped for as well.

even in the sameness of our everyday lives we're able to find comfort/dissidence.  this is, to say, nothing has to change at all for us to be given different perspective on that which we've known to already be very familiar.  this is, among other things, taking a closer look at what i know to be true and comfortable, and seeing it from a value i may not often (or ever) have noticed... whereby the blog entry you've just read (if you made it this far) is my reaction.

i respond because it's what i need, not in light of want/desire.  it's letting go of that which lives inside of me and providing space and oxygen for it to manifest in whatever form it chooses, not the least of which is my decision to make.

08.20.13 is when the new blue october record drops, and it will be another opportunity to appreciate the journey. 

"i may be some sort of crazy... you may be some sort of crazy... but i swear on everything i have and more... you make the sound of pulling heaven down."  ~justin furstenfeld

[originally written 05.11.13, discovered unpublished and added 09.09.20]

just don't lie to me.

have you ever... no, strike that.  how many times in a given day do you have the sense we don't live in an honest society?  to be clear, i don't wish to come at any specific group or individual, or even build a defense, but i've felt this way for years.  YEARS.

this isn't to say people are always being consciously dishonest, rather a legitimate attempt to expand on the adage "things are often not what they seem."

in your opinion, what is it that prevents people from communicating in the most straight-forward manner possible?  every now and again you'll discover somebody who seems to not be fraught with this challenge, but usually they're either in tight with a few people or have pissed off the greater majority of others.  why?  while i can only offer my perspective, i contend it's because that person isn't scared to call things as they see them, and that level of self expression tends to sometimes come at the expense of other peoples' feelings.  let's play with that notion for a second.  if what somebody is saying is entirely true (so far as we can tell), why would our possible reaction be combative?  what exactly are we protecting?  does it have less to do with the words themselves and more with the delivery?  i can't say for sure, but i'm interested to hear your take.

i, for one, generally relish opportunities to get beyond that iron clad wall.  it cuts to the quick, but not exclusively.  one can be a wordsmith and still maintain a direct honest course, only their potential audience may become fewer as a result.  to my own admission, that's me.  not only do i know this to be true, but people affirm such on a regular basis.  i'm ok with it, for the most part.  i know where my heart is, and i don't try and get caught up the minutia of justification.

for example, all of this has been the "lead in" if you will, and some of you are thinking get to the damn point already.  i know this, and again... i'm ok with it.  sometimes, the point is more about the dialogue itself.  i don't necessarily have an ax to grind here, just find myself wrapped in the dissonance a bit too often to keep quiet.

would you like some specific examples?  thought you might, so take for instance a couple different ones...

let's talk briefly about religion, shall we?  my observation (especially in the past 5 years) has been well documented so for some of you this won't be anything new.  for the rest, i find the more time (in general) i spend with those who might overtly consider themselves religious, the more i don't (and won't) find comfort in seeing myself as the same.  i thank God for everything i have in life, and subsequently love Jesus for all i believe Him to be... but religion simply isn't for me.  i prefer to be given what others perceive to be true and afforded time to consider those possibilities myself.  that, my friends, to me, is the element of faith.  i cringe when i ask somebody about biblical history and they suggest belief in something simply because it's been recorded/authored for others' educational and life application benefit.  why is it so difficult to admit we CANNOT possibly know everything is true that's been handed down from one generation to the next.  when i'm asked questions about my beliefs, i'm fairly quick (in my opinion) to say i believe something is true and that's how i'm choosing to live my life (for example, by emulating Jesus' teachings) but that's just it... I CHOOSE.

ok, now let's touch on war for a moment.  i know, i know... but hang with me.  it's entirely fine for people to believe our dealings overseas have been justified (even to the extent they might defend the ridiculous amount of time/resources its taken) but how can one possibly say they have proof?  a statement of support is not an absolute, it's opinion, just the same as somebody who may speak against it.  we were told (and that's where the potential lies may have begun, at least in this instance) the conflict was waged entirely on the risk of nuclear weapons.  ok... where are they?  to my knowledge there has been no trace of WMDs to the extent may have been reported, if any, period.  why is it wrong to suggest our men and women may be fighting a senseless battle and losing their lives over fabricated propaganda?  i understand that would be difficult for families to accept that may have a loved one (or more) representing our country's armed forces, but IF it is true... why not admit it and move forward?

this just scratches the surface, but it's all i have time for right now.  i'll try and unpack this in the coming days/weeks as time allows.  for now, if nothing else... consider why some are attempt to justify these and other topics by cloaking themselves in righteousness.  said differently, we may have the tendency to hide what we really feel in favor of popular opinion, and my sense is this is motivated by fear... perhaps of being misunderstood, offending others, or possibly a case of searching for the right words.  do we feel we have too much to lose?  what skin do we have in the game, so to speak, and is it preventing us from exhibiting behavior that best represents our heart?

whatever truth you may believe... if something can legitimately be proven (factual, with no holes) ...stop lying to yourself (and me).

[originally written 08.16.13, resurrected 09.09.20] -- now we're just facing different (but similar) worldwide problems.