it's only been seven years...

 april 2013 was the last entry I sat down, wrote, and published. there were a couple i recently discovered in my archives that hadn't been published, but technically april '13 remains the final time (until now) i visited this digital headspace.

what can i say? i'm married now with five kids. four of them i didn't help bring into this world but i'm committed through love and patience to see them through it. there's a lot being thrown at young ones these days so even though they may not want or ask for my help, they're family and they will receive it.

i'm still partly apart, as my original moniker would suggest from years ago. but when you stop to think about it, aren't we all? i don't know too many people (if any) that have it all together, and frankly that's just not the company i regularly keep anyway. 

so, it's 2020 -- AKA the year of the virus. and we thought Y2K was supposed to be bad, this year's already made the "hold my beer" comment to the past countless times. among other things, this means we all walk around now with masks on our faces nearly everywhere we go, even the bank. yeah, i never thought that's something i'd say let alone that it would be mandatory. strange times in which we're living. DJT is the president but i won't utter his name or accept him as my leader -- after all, since when was asking a former reality tv star to run our country a good idea? fucking republicans. actually, it's not all their fault, but i've never really shied away from blaming them for other things so this is no different.

sure, obama wasn't perfect. but you bet your sweet tits he didn't put us into harm's way even remotely as much as #45's dumb ass. but surely i digress, politics were never my forte... i just don't like DJT. in fact, i'm fairly certain i hate him, legitimately. 

the violence, hatred, and outright unjust behavior on display today is something unlike i've ever seen prior. we have people in power that encourage making the oppressed and marginalized people feel ever smaller than they already do -- a real boy scout, that one. 

-------

haven't read through previous entries so i have no basis for comparison but i'd say i'm damn lucky to be alive, have a family that (mostly) loves me, and friends that are for the most part a blessing. frankly, i've used the past seven years to figure out a few things about how life works. it seems i used to get stuck in certain emotions and pay too much credence to them, as well as the people responsible for saying/doing things to illicit specific feelings. these days, while i'm far from bulletproof, i've learned not to care as much about others' opinions.

i can only control myself, and even that is debatable. but the point is i cannot control how others receive what i say or do, just my reaction. i act in good faith that i'm generally making my points clear and communicating with purpose, but i also know my (and your) broken nature sometimes make things complicated. 

no sense in shame, no time for that shit. still keep things as real as possible. so wherever this may find you, know you're not alone in whatever you may be feeling. one thing's for sure, this turntable we're on is well worth keeping it spinning, regardless of how quick or in what direction. being here is far better than the alternative, so that's where i'll land this plane for now.

be encouraged, stay well. who knows, i might start coming back around here a bit more... possibly even look a few of you up that used to connect with me regularly. cheers!

*on rotation right now* -- joshua radin, be here now

may be some sort of crazy...

i carry emotion on a regular basis, and it runs the gamut. 

it's in my dna, and so i'm wired to express myself in good, bad, and indifferent situations.  an open book, if you will.  this means you'll bear witness to face first falls, public breakdowns, breakthroughs, milestones, treasured memories, and many more facets of my life.  all it takes on your part is to pay attention. to that end, you're the one to decide how interested or engaged you may be, and i suppose the same holds true for how you approach just about every other relationship or experience in your life.  the difference, at least as i see it, is some choose (or more specifically, manage because they CAN) to address these instances in private.  whatever/however you respond, i accept it as your truth and don't need it to mirror my own.

i'm not private.

in fact, there aren't many things in my life for which people are unaware.  of course, this doesn't mean everyone knows everything, just that if you get enough of my friends/family in a room together, it's not difficult to piece together my life.  if you have that kind of time, that is.

what i am not, in and of myself, is drama.  i appreciate some may see this otherwise because, for one reason or another, they don't directly relate to what i put out there.  that's not to say my contributions are right and they're wrong, or vice versa.  all this truly explains is that, we each have different preferences for how to give/receive information.  i'm not who i am for purposes of attention.  i'm me, as it's how/what i know, and sharing what i do is what is required to sustain the life i have.

all this to say, i can't control how somebody is going to react to me or anything i speak into the universe.  i can only offer my complete honesty and hope that much is appreciated, at the very least.  if it's not, likely there's  a reason, and usually it's not something with which i pay any mind.

the object of my deepest affection (with exception to the greatest love of my life, little big man) grieves privately and works through things without the aide of others (mostly), and i respect that.  may not relate to this approach but i know we're all unique in our ways, and so it does little good to fight it.  what i'd rather do is allow for time and the natural flow of life to come alongside the situation(s) and piece things together, one at a time.  this process isn't always something that comes easily, and it's by far where my patience is tested the most.  nevertheless, it makes sense to leave well enough alone, and so i do (or at least the strongest effort is constantly made). 

i stick to what i know to be true.  in this case, i love this person tremendously.  it's not about who deserves or has earned things in life but if it were, she's clearly worthy of any/all i have to give.

and so i lay myself out there.

this blog is one of my outlets.  i have few others, and i'm not sure that will change.  these words are sometimes filled with joy and sorrow, or perhaps even on occasion take up the form of scars, but i trust all of them.  every iota of energy spent in composing these statements happened for a reason, whether or not there was a clear motive, or simply the need to throw them into the world and see how they take shape all their own.  today is no different.

fortunately, there's been a consistent source of gratitude in my life, to keep any true harm at least arm's length from me.  without question, this force is little big man.  i lost count of how many times he's responsible for me still being alive.  this is not offered tongue-in-cheek, but it's also not me crying wolf.  it's real talk, and it's not something for which i'm either ashamed or feel the least bit guilty for sharing.  it's authentic, and on that merit alone, i'm entirely good with it.

this thursday i had the pleasure of once again spending some time around a person whose spoken into my life and added countless value, affirming many of the feelings i've had over the years.  anyone who may have followed this blog for awhile now will not likely be surprised this individual is justin furstenfeld, lead directional force behind art rock outfit blue october.  each time i have the privilege of sharing space with justin, whether directly or otherwise, it's immediately evident how much we share in common, and i connect with his soul.  now, mind you, there's certainly been times where i've been cautioned by the artist himself, to not become obsessed with his/their catalog.  i recall a conversation i had with justin in traverse city last year, where words were not mixed, and he had the following advice to offer - "do not fucking listen to my band's music all the time, regardless of how much it may speak to you... take note that as real as it is (and it is), it tends to come from dark places that one shouldn't visit for long periods.  take up some coltrane, sarah vaughan, or even sinatra... enlighten yourself, and then return to my writing for perspective if/when you're ready."  justin proceeded to explain how he writes from a place he NEEDS to exercise as a creative outlet, suggesting (and i believe entirely) it's not a choice.  in some ways, i find this process no different than the reason i keep this blog alive.  if i weren't to utilize this space in the manner i do, what's found here could instead evolve into a less safer (in many respects) outcome.

what's impressed me most, and certainly in a sincere sans "fandom" sort of way, is justin's ability to capture a life experience and deliver his recollection (provided it's an autobiographical sort of endeavor) with brutal honesty, even painfully at times.  too often the entertainment industry (for lack of other places, too) is chock full of this watered down polyanna bullshit, replete with next to no heart or means to "connect" with its message. 

i'm thankful to have learned justin's life is in a very good place now.  he's remarried with another child and has been clean for one day shy of a year.  in fact, at midnight the day of the show he was to have celebrated the official anniversary of his sobriety.  THAT is awesome.  he's also enjoying new faith and spiritual direction, which has amplified the aforementioned joy and elation.

even with as much reason to find myself excited about a friend's good fortune, that very same person quickly reminds me it's "one day at a time."  these were the only words we shared thursday because i was in a hurry to be somewhere else after the show.  but they're quite prophetic given their immediate relevance in my (and possibly your) life.  it's all any one of us can really focus on, but it's a lesson we're too quick to forget (or at least i am).

this blog entry isn't a byproduct of tangible loss, as i've not been stripped of anything.  change is inevitable and sometimes the plan doesn't go as you hope, but that doesn't make it bad simply by virtue of taking a different direction.  what this does more than anything else is reveals the truest form of reality, given none of us control every aspect of our lives (nor should we).  we must accept that it's not always up to us, and even ideas that may hurt our feelings initially, could possibly be the best resolve when all's said and done.  also, it may be entirely possible that your/my steps come full circle, and the nature of THIS time is but a stop along the way, to a destination we not only anticipated but hoped for as well.

even in the sameness of our everyday lives we're able to find comfort/dissidence.  this is, to say, nothing has to change at all for us to be given different perspective on that which we've known to already be very familiar.  this is, among other things, taking a closer look at what i know to be true and comfortable, and seeing it from a value i may not often (or ever) have noticed... whereby the blog entry you've just read (if you made it this far) is my reaction.

i respond because it's what i need, not in light of want/desire.  it's letting go of that which lives inside of me and providing space and oxygen for it to manifest in whatever form it chooses, not the least of which is my decision to make.

08.20.13 is when the new blue october record drops, and it will be another opportunity to appreciate the journey. 

"i may be some sort of crazy... you may be some sort of crazy... but i swear on everything i have and more... you make the sound of pulling heaven down."  ~justin furstenfeld

[originally written 05.11.13, discovered unpublished and added 09.09.20]

just don't lie to me.

have you ever... no, strike that.  how many times in a given day do you have the sense we don't live in an honest society?  to be clear, i don't wish to come at any specific group or individual, or even build a defense, but i've felt this way for years.  YEARS.

this isn't to say people are always being consciously dishonest, rather a legitimate attempt to expand on the adage "things are often not what they seem."

in your opinion, what is it that prevents people from communicating in the most straight-forward manner possible?  every now and again you'll discover somebody who seems to not be fraught with this challenge, but usually they're either in tight with a few people or have pissed off the greater majority of others.  why?  while i can only offer my perspective, i contend it's because that person isn't scared to call things as they see them, and that level of self expression tends to sometimes come at the expense of other peoples' feelings.  let's play with that notion for a second.  if what somebody is saying is entirely true (so far as we can tell), why would our possible reaction be combative?  what exactly are we protecting?  does it have less to do with the words themselves and more with the delivery?  i can't say for sure, but i'm interested to hear your take.

i, for one, generally relish opportunities to get beyond that iron clad wall.  it cuts to the quick, but not exclusively.  one can be a wordsmith and still maintain a direct honest course, only their potential audience may become fewer as a result.  to my own admission, that's me.  not only do i know this to be true, but people affirm such on a regular basis.  i'm ok with it, for the most part.  i know where my heart is, and i don't try and get caught up the minutia of justification.

for example, all of this has been the "lead in" if you will, and some of you are thinking get to the damn point already.  i know this, and again... i'm ok with it.  sometimes, the point is more about the dialogue itself.  i don't necessarily have an ax to grind here, just find myself wrapped in the dissonance a bit too often to keep quiet.

would you like some specific examples?  thought you might, so take for instance a couple different ones...

let's talk briefly about religion, shall we?  my observation (especially in the past 5 years) has been well documented so for some of you this won't be anything new.  for the rest, i find the more time (in general) i spend with those who might overtly consider themselves religious, the more i don't (and won't) find comfort in seeing myself as the same.  i thank God for everything i have in life, and subsequently love Jesus for all i believe Him to be... but religion simply isn't for me.  i prefer to be given what others perceive to be true and afforded time to consider those possibilities myself.  that, my friends, to me, is the element of faith.  i cringe when i ask somebody about biblical history and they suggest belief in something simply because it's been recorded/authored for others' educational and life application benefit.  why is it so difficult to admit we CANNOT possibly know everything is true that's been handed down from one generation to the next.  when i'm asked questions about my beliefs, i'm fairly quick (in my opinion) to say i believe something is true and that's how i'm choosing to live my life (for example, by emulating Jesus' teachings) but that's just it... I CHOOSE.

ok, now let's touch on war for a moment.  i know, i know... but hang with me.  it's entirely fine for people to believe our dealings overseas have been justified (even to the extent they might defend the ridiculous amount of time/resources its taken) but how can one possibly say they have proof?  a statement of support is not an absolute, it's opinion, just the same as somebody who may speak against it.  we were told (and that's where the potential lies may have begun, at least in this instance) the conflict was waged entirely on the risk of nuclear weapons.  ok... where are they?  to my knowledge there has been no trace of WMDs to the extent may have been reported, if any, period.  why is it wrong to suggest our men and women may be fighting a senseless battle and losing their lives over fabricated propaganda?  i understand that would be difficult for families to accept that may have a loved one (or more) representing our country's armed forces, but IF it is true... why not admit it and move forward?

this just scratches the surface, but it's all i have time for right now.  i'll try and unpack this in the coming days/weeks as time allows.  for now, if nothing else... consider why some are attempt to justify these and other topics by cloaking themselves in righteousness.  said differently, we may have the tendency to hide what we really feel in favor of popular opinion, and my sense is this is motivated by fear... perhaps of being misunderstood, offending others, or possibly a case of searching for the right words.  do we feel we have too much to lose?  what skin do we have in the game, so to speak, and is it preventing us from exhibiting behavior that best represents our heart?

whatever truth you may believe... if something can legitimately be proven (factual, with no holes) ...stop lying to yourself (and me).

[originally written 08.16.13, resurrected 09.09.20] -- now we're just facing different (but similar) worldwide problems.

rounding third, headed home...

anyone paying attention to content i produce online (i know that's fewer of you these days, and that's ok) is already aware i took in the movie "42" yesterday afternoon.  upon giving a very brief summation of my initial feelings, i mentioned there was more to come.  this, in fact, is the addendum to which i was referring.  albeit in light of today's horrific incident in boston, we may take a decidedly sharp turn in a more general direction.

i recall the african american history class i took in my junior year of college.  at the time, honestly the only important events i was aware of were the ones you couldn't miss (in light of mass media coverage) and stories told by my black friends, of whom were thankfully plenty.  that said, i struggled mightily through the greater majority of this course.  in typical bold fashion, i confess it didn't seem to matter as much to me as i felt it should (or could), in part because most the people around me weren't directly affected.  this is to say, our privilege(s) afforded us a comfort others didn't enjoy, and as such we found ourselves insulated from most of the pain and torment.  certainly can't say the same for a select few of my closest friends.  ok, returning to the backstory... my interest that had all but initially waned in light of my own ignorance, in what appeared to happen very rapidly, became fixated on the subject (or focus, if you will) of our textbook's next chapter - a one jack roosevelt robinson.

given most the natural world knows his story by now (at least in part), i'll shift focus entirely to its impact on me, then and today.

jackie stood up for many things, but none more important than equal opportunity to play the game he loved, baseball.  if you drill right into the heart of the matter, his legacy was (if not entirely, certainly the greater majority) about overcoming racism in professional sport, but ultimately the world at large.  this breakthrough began with his own passion for the game of baseball, but as we have history on our side should we choose to study it, the story doesn't end there.  minorities have been accepted and embraced in several (albeit not all) competitive arenas, which makes this a story still being written.  this, in and of itself, is well worth the accolades for which it/he receives, although the manner in which jackie lived his life off the field, by all accounts of the people closest to him, mirrors the integrity he showed while donning the now infamous heavy cotton brooklyn dodgers uniform.

if we're to dial back one level, and this is where i'll truly be able to apply the impact of this man on more "general" terms, jackie was determined to see the end of discrimination, not exclusively based on race or ethnicity.  today, in so far as we've been able to enjoy a much more "free" culture in most parts of our world, we must not rest.  i walked out of that theater yesterday imagining what it would have been like to immerse myself into the crowd gathering in the foyer and common areas, forming single file "separate" lines to use the facilities.  it's not something i can relate to, obviously, but there's still a burning fire in my gut that's almost instantly felt at the thought of seeing "colored" above any entrance, regardless of where it leads.  of course, the same holds true for "white" or "red" or well, the possibilities are somewhat endless.  the point being, we are one people.  with each passing day we have a responsibility to realize this truth, or shame it with our continued hatred and belligerence.  please notice i acknowledge my own involvement here, as this author has no intention of pointing fingers that don't reflect his own shortcomings, too.  we're overdue for accountability, and quite frankly it's so much easier for matters to get worse before any hope of them improving, unless of course we divide the line between apathy and action, and intentionally subscribe and perpetuate the latter.

hear me very clearly, action does not equate to violence, nor should it.  ever.  violence is often a direct byproduct of hatred and we as a people need to set a better precedent that we're not going to tolerate pain inflicted on our fellow man/woman.  to those saying (and unfortunately i've heard this several times) "at least it's not infighting" and we can very precisely locate and eliminate the source.  let's not forget, we are one nation.  at present, we're not doing ourselves justice in a lot of cases, but just because somebody resides in a third world country doesn't make them the "enemy."  there will naturally be terror in this world.  no matter what ideology, liturgy, faith, or vocation to which you subscribe, that will unfortunately remain the case.  this does not, however, mean we vacate the pursuit of justice.  matters in direct violation of our nation's code of ethics should be dealt with swiftly and accurately.

in some ways this may appear too great an obstacle to overcome, or a task for which we lack significant resources.  in part, this may be true, but again we gain no ground by standing idle.  even small steps eventually can lead to where you/we aspire to be, it just may take more time.  time is what many of us have so long as you're not talking about plans designed to waste it, of which there are unfortunately too many.  this is where i believe it becomes each of our individual responsibility to shift the paradigm and rewrite history, no different than our late friend jackie robinson achieved in his prime.  liken this battle to whatever text may derive the most motivation for you, whether that be something traditional like david versus goliath, or another more modern day heroic tale where the odds were completely against the protagonist yet they found a way, which likely began with belief in themselves.

each of us has a simple task (at least on paper, but it takes daily effort) - be kind, considerate, accepting, forgiving, compassionate, loyal, and so on... and this to me can be explained with one word: love

this is where it begins, and that's no different than any situation for which i've ever faced in life.  in some form or another, it always (yes, every time) amounts to emotions, whether a call or a response, associated with love, and the desire to be/do good.

this is not to say, again, we won't have terrible things happen to the place we or somebody else may call home.  no, that will continue.  it is, however, acknowledging we have a direct opportunity to effect change in a very positive light, simply by doing what we know we're capable of on a regular basis - loving ourselves enough to resonate that very love to others, and so on and so forth.  i, personally, have much work to do in this regard.

jackie robinson did incredible things physically but i'm even more impressed by what he overcame prior to all the records he broke in the game of baseball.  jackie possessed a strength that defined him as a steadfast confidant for all he believed to be right and just, and we should do the same.  many, certainly including myself, fall short of this on a daily basis because we're too preoccupied with finding faults/flaws or other oddities within others, or ourselves, rather than focusing on the good that comes from inclusion and appreciation for differences.

today, our nation is hung up on some rather trivial matters (in my humble opinion).  most recently we've heard a great deal from the lgbt camp about same sex marriage, which certainly is a hot topic but not a new one.  not that i will address that issue at length here because it's not my intention, but i will say this.  it's a shame we're still talking about this, which is to say, this legislation should be discarded and ALL people should be given equal rights to give/receive love.  that's my verdict, and if it's not yours, i respect that.  but rather than dissect this topic, i'll digress.  this, of course, is only one example of too many to count... whether that's women's rights and how the government seems to feel they can have their way with them whenever they so choose (also, by the way, terribly wrong and shameful), or gun control, or capital punishment, or whatever issue may be stealing the headlines these days... the point is, they're less about bringing people together and more to do with dividing.  don't even get me started on bipartisan politics, as we don't have enough time in this day to properly cover how outdated, irrelevant, and incompetent that whole system has turned out to be.

my heart is with those who are affected by this tragedy in boston today.  these feelings have resided in me for at least 24 hours prior to this unfortunate event, but it makes sense to pay proper respects to those innocent people.  hopefully the perpetrator is found and brought to justice immediately.

as some of my posts have a tendency to do because they're seldom proofread, this plane took a few loops before it landed, and it's up to you to decide whether it found solid ground.  what i can tell you is this, i love each and every one of you, and i will do my part to try and show/give that love daily.  the challenge is for each of us to take up this very same task at hand, regardless of how open or affectionate you might normally be.  i respect not everybody possesses a bubbling brook of a heart like mine, or that you might feel compelled or welcome sharing yours if you should.  but in some form or another, it's on us.  i mean, it really is our decision, not one that should be made for us.

try and refrain from quick judgment, even if it's playful.  that's not to say we shouldn't throw around some witty banter at each others' expense every now and again because that's too entertaining to omit entirely, it's just we should be more mindful of the impact our words/actions might have.  believe me, i'm looking hardest at myself on this one.  what lives within my mouth has proven itself to be potentially lethal, and i owe it to myself (and you) to better manage this.  work on becoming more open to things outside your comfort zone.  should you have extreme loyalty to a position, stand tall and proud, but don't do so while considering those who may not agree with you as inferior or less worthy.  see the dissension as difference, and learn to respect, embrace, and potentially even grow from others' viewpoints.

let's face it, there's no shortage of ammunition for which we could use to potentially harm (metaphorically speaking).  but what do we truly gain by choosing to wield those weapons?

in love,
cw

stumbling onto another observation

you may want to sit down for this one... nothing bad, just compulsion to open my heart and let the words fall where they may.

just returned from an exhilarating scooter ride (3rd of the season), a time where my thoughts were keeping pace with the speed of the bike. you know that feeling you get when several things orbit your mind simultaneously and you're not quite sure what they all mean? that's happened now for nearly a month, and i'm certainly no stranger to it visiting on occasion.

this time, while changing lanes on eastbound m-21 it struck me. now, that's no guarantee i'll be able land this plane with brevity in my corner, but i'll at least be able to put a face to this stream of consciousness.

the premise for this serious of thoughts/feelings is what i'll refer to as the hardening of the heart, or lack thereof, as it were. we're all well aware of how entering this world means having the innocence of a newborn, or in this specific case the absence of preconceived notions/ideas (about anything). at least i believe we can all agree if there's any cognitive patterns taking place in utero they're not likely building defense against the ills that await us. to illustrate this point visually, if it's necessary, i'm fairly certain most of you have seen the recent picture floating around the interwebs of two adults at the grocery store. these two are facing opposite directions directly across from one another in the same aisle. with newborn (or at least very early stage) babies in tow, respectively, their children (one of which appears to be caucasian and another african american) naturally reach for each other in what can only be described as an act of pure love. now, i'm not suggesting babies at this age understand romance, but i am saying we're born with the understanding that life was/is not intended to be experienced alone. we connect with our mothers in the womb and that cycle only perpetuates itself. ok, so the point is made.

somewhere along the line, a different place for everyone, we begin to find ourselves influenced and brainwashed by separatism. this is nobody's particular fault, as truly it can be found almost everywhere you look. suffice to say by the time all of us entered high school, we'd already been subject to countless acts of hate, discrimination, violence, and the like. the sources may be different, depending on the culture and circumstances with which each of us experience, but the result is usually a gradual hardening of the heart.

for me, i trace back bigotry in my family lineage to the old midwest towns where some of my latter ancestors were raised, but i'm sure it's considerably more dated than that. take for example, god bless him and the countless life lessons i learned under his care (none of which i'll ever forget), but hobie (my now deceased grandfather) was racist as hell. he meant well and i'm almost certain his heart was usually in the right place, but he wasted no time to jump to unfair and inconsiderate conclusions about minorities. i don't hold a grudge today because that would be silly, but i can clearly identify some of the earlier bouts i had with race sensitive issues. hobie's parents, whom i never met so far as i recall, were said to be the stimulus for what he carried forward. that is to say, this behavior was modeled to him so he was conditioned to believe it was ok. i love my grandfather with every ounce of my core and nothing will ever change in that respect. having said that, i do fear he may never have truly felt what it's like to not fear certain people, or at least consider others inferior or less worthy.

in all honesty, it wasn't unusual or in any way abnormal for me to perpetuate this wrongful judgment. i did so mostly with blacks but other minority groups were not given a pardon. the term "colored" was something that always made me squirm but it wasn't long before i caught myself using it, and what's more it eventually didn't have the sting it once carried.

being a military brat meant, among other things, growing accustomed to moving several times. this is something many of you have experienced first hand, but those that haven't can surely relate on some level, even if for different reasons. all this to say, even though we relocated considerably less than the average family, we resided in our fair share of different locales. thankfully, shortly after leaving a relatively short stint in indiana, i began to experience what most consider diversity. but this wasn't the buzz word thrown around many organizations these days for equal opportunity reasons, this was having 5-7 different ethnicities in one classroom - the earliest form of a melting pot experience. it was here that i can honestly say i learned a great deal of things about other people who looked, dressed, sounded, acted, and lived different than me. little could i possibly know how valuable these encounters would prove to be today, for i was oblivious to the bigger life lessons.

ok, so what began in flint michigan and eventually made its way through the states of indiana, nebraska, missouri, and back to flint... has shaped my current world view, for better or worse.

by the time i reached higher levels of my education (pre-college), i had fortunately developed a much stronger awareness and appreciation for peoples differences and/or similarities. this isn't to say i found myself completely immune to all the life matters i've proposed had an effect on hardening my heart - oh, no... it's simply that each life experience (good/bad/indifferent) is responsible for collectively building who/what i am today.

for instance, by the time i made it to high school and spent a very brief run in missouri, where i initially knew only a couple people, a legitimate hatred towards what we'll refer to here as "country folk" had emerged. quick aside and something once again military brats immediately relate to on some level, these relocations sometimes mean connecting with the same friends multiple times in different states. such was the case in missouri, where i had the pleasure of making ties with an old friend of mine from time in nebraska. yeah, i'm looking at you Rodney. as anyone remotely close to will attest of this time, rodney and i had our fair share of run-ins with cowboys. given several of my friends were either black or some other form of minority in their own right, the missouri cowboys didn't take too kindly to me. let's just say they had enough time and experience by the end of the year to think twice about stepping to me or any of my friends. not that i condone violence or even in the slightest way encourage fighting fire with fire, just making clear that a (young) man had to do what a man had to do. if i didn't tell you there were times my defense was an act of sheer survival, i'd be lying. yes, it became that pathetic. today, i don't understand it, nor do i really try, but for different reasons i'm more in tune with how these acts of hatred occur. obviously i did very little to diffuse the situation, and it's not until much later that i've learned one must sometimes spend some time on the battlefields to gain perspective. i'm hoping my son won't have to do this until he's truly ready, but i understand there's no control i have over what certain elements of his future may hold.

ok, so we'll use this particular phase of my life to illustrate a disdain for country folk and finding myself growing tired of needing a defense. point being, i spent a few rounds in the ring, so to speak.

the next thing that initially threw me sideways (read as i had no idea what to make of it) was exposure to what's now considered the lgbt community. this happened for the first time in college, and honestly i'm not proud of my actions towards these people. while i never physically hurt anyone for expressing a different sexual preference than my own, i spewed venom from my mouth more times than i care to admit. why did i do this, you might ask? great question. not sure i know exactly, besides the fact i didn't like the idea of seeing two guys sexually attracted to one another. the thought back then was honestly horrifying. of course, while i'd love to say it wasn't gender specific i'm going to simply confess to fitting the stereotype. you know the one of which i speak, where men might find it hard to stomach two guys kissing each other but two (or more, because that was additional thrill) women doing the same was somehow madly attractive. yes, it's true, or at least it was.

bottom line, i played right into the hate speech all my friends would start. even though i can honestly say i never facilitated any of it, i know it to be true that it's just as bad if i carry it forward. there's much more i can say here but it's best to simply push right into the unique (ross-like) experience.

yes, for you "friends" enthusiasts, i didn't lose a potential bride (at least i think that's what happened in that pivotal episode... i've only truly seen like 4 total friends shows) at the altar, but one of my early girlfriends did come out while she and i were together. kate was an early love interest and throughout a good part of middle school, we were inseparable. obviously one doesn't necessarily grasp the gravity of love at this point in life, but it's fair to say we "totally dug each other." fast forward the tape, to where we're both now in college. kate invited me to a gathering the local campus radio station was sponsoring, only to find the greater majority of its biggest promoters were her gay friends (and subsequent lovers). no sense in building smoke screen here, this community was heavily promiscuous and there was no shame in being open about it. today, i've learned this to still somewhat be true about certain lgbt circles, but at that time i had no idea how to respond. i believe initially i didn't say much at all, for fear it might come out wrong and offend. having enough time to think things through and come to terms with what had just happened, i eventually befriended several of the people with whom kate was originally attempting to introduce me. kate and i would go our separate ways later into my college term, for no certain reason, but i still to this day appreciate this time and the effect it had on me.

shortly thereafter, or potentially felt simultaneous to the time with kate, i began to experience conservative religious groups (read as extremism). this, too, could be a chapter in and of itself but i'll make my best effort to keep it short. it wasn't unusual to field half a dozen knocks on my dorm room door weekly, all of which were some form of "invite" to join a faith-based group. now, to be fair to these people i should tell you that i was no stranger to "religion," only i hadn't up to this point known what it was like to feel "marked" by extremist radicals. i'd been raised catholic and chose my senior year in high school to not become confirmed, yet i'd been active in social clubs that identified with faith, or at least core values that they believed everyone should possess. (fca, cyo, etc)
even when i might have occasionally felt strong armed into something in my interaction with these groups, it couldn't possibly have prepared me for the relentless pursuit of some of these campus crusaders. it wasn't an overtly religious institution, just that pockets of the school community were infested with close-minded bigots. ok, so you likely see where this is headed, i'm sure. there were many colorful experiences but none more irritating and anger inducing than the time i received one of them colorful (term used because there was always a sort of songwriting quality to these knocks, which is to say they had a different rhythm, and i've since learned this to be referred to as desperation) knocks upon my chamber door. like many times i'd done before, i asked them to identify themselves so i could ready my artillery (no, i didn't have weapons, just my mind). on this particular occasion the person wouldn't go away by my polite request, as he claimed to have "very important news." yes, if your mind is immediately going to the "good news" most people might be thinking, mine followed the same pattern of thought. it wasn't the good news in the most traditional sense, in fact the information he had to share with me was horrifying. i'd been signed up to attend a weekend gathering with this group, as they took it upon themselves to suggest it was a "can't miss experience."

now, let me pause here for a moment because i need to make something clear. at this point i was waiting for the guy to say that he had to "off" my parents because they were just "getting in the way." no, mom and dad, nobody was really coming after you... but it sure felt as if they had my life by the nuts at that particular moment.

let me also explain that i didn't have ANY great feelings about this initially. in fact, i tried to push the guy out of my room and that's when he hit me with it. the resort this group booked was well... let's just say posh and breathtaking. that's when my paradigm began to shift. if nothing else, i could use these people for a good time at a place i might never afford. so... i did exactly that. the talks and group time was forgetful and by most people's estimation frightening and an invasion of personal space. nevertheless, i partied like a rock star at their expense. they've since thought twice about coercion and strategic tactics to gain "recruits."

ok, so all this to say i had numerous reasons to think religious people were effin crazy.

steady the rutters and shift appropriately for wind speed because this is where we're about to reach our intended destination - present day.

a lot of people i encounter today have had similar or comparable experiences to the ones i've animated above. there's plenty others where those lie, but i suppose that's for a different time/place. what i believe we have is the choice to support or stand firmly against the chapters of our own lives. in my case, it's a little of both but more the latter. i've learned through these situations that i have no interest in being bitter, only better.

we live in a day and age where people are being held down for their beliefs, values, culture, etc. point here is there's less acceptance and more ignorance. there are additional walls (or silos, if you will) built to safeguard one (or more) groups from others who may be considered a potential threat. now, let me make one thing perfectly clear... there are times where we need these barriers (terrorism, among others) but the greater majority of the time we should be tearing down these walls and pushing through to the other side(s).

there are areas of this world that appreciate and celebrate diversity, yet they are no less susceptible to decisions being made for them that segregate and eventually strip their people (and those whom they hold dear) of basic needs. bottom line, we're all individuals in need of the same fundamental things (when broken down to the most rudimentary level), yet we lead very private lives, globally speaking.

today, i know many hearts that have solidified to what appears to be a point of no return. my hope is that proves to be a farce and they eventually experience the freedom of love in its purest uninhibited (which is, among other things, to say a lack of fear and need to protect themselves from hatred) form. i'm not entirely there and i have considerably less from which to feel initially threatened, but i'm grateful for how my heart appears to actually be softer as time passes. i'm thankful for the many opportunities i have to move through life with people of all walks, backgrounds, stories, etc.

i understand my place and that's to be loving, caring, and resourceful to those whom may benefit from my time. after all, time is the real currency we have, and i'm happy to exchange it for the hope of more people's freedom from oppression, premature judgment, sexism, or any other vice that may stand in the way of them becoming the most beautiful form of who they were meant to be.

this doesn't always come gracefully, but it's a choice worth making. i consciously resist any gravitational pull towards the "dark side" (yes, no personal essay is complete without a reference to star wars) because it's a trap (ok, maybe two star wars nods), clearly. thank you to all whom regularly accept me as i am, for it's your encouragement and support that helps me see more vividly what this turntable of life truly holds.

i'm in a very exciting and healthy place. when the heart becomes pliable it allows for more love to be stored, and eventually given. take comfort in knowing i'm especially thrilled for the latter, but it's fantastic to feel the former once again... i mean really deep into the crevices of my soul.

it's been a long time.

overjoyed.

(thanks for hanging with me through this if you've made it this far - i realize this may not have come together in the most direct flight pattern, but it's a joy to have you along for the ride)

it's too cold outside...

...for angels to fly.

this song is what began my morning yesterday.  interestingly enough, i almost never listen to commercial radio but it so happens i set my sleep timer while tuned to one of the few stations i occasionally visit.  ed sheeran and his single "the A team" woke me from a slumber.  even with the fade-in feature, i hardly missed a note and it set the tone for the day.

now, this particular song is written about a love lost to drug abuse.  while that may not properly introduce my reason for this blog entry, it's still relevant.  you see, it's not even 10 days into the new year and already i've been witness to half a dozen different forms of suffering and 4 of my friends losing members of their family through various means.  these range from natural to absolutely unexpected, and from a woman in the late stages of her life to an older couple whose home was forcefully entered, and a young girl not even out of middle school.  point being, death does not discriminate and it's all painful.

it's not feeling very warm at the moment.

while our mortality is inevitable, it's a different thing altogether to face it first hand.  in some ways, it's akin to the old adage of "it will never happen to me."  well, i suppose when we say things like that we actually mean sooner than it SHOULD.

what these trying times have taught me AGAIN is that we should really seize the initiative and focus on loving each other.  this can obviously be taken out of context real quick by those who wish to make it the butt end of a joke, but i have no intention of that here.  i join most/all of you with selfish desires i often have, regardless of how much i fight them.  at the end of the day, i grow and retain more from life by giving than i ever would seeking personal gain(s).  it's a daily decision but one well worth making every time.  it usually begins and ends with working to get out of my own way.

love comes in several forms, too many in fact to begin breaking down.  use your discretion as to what's most appropriate but error on the side of giving too much of yourself.  it's natural to want to secure others' favor and sometimes it's too easy to get caught up in that trap.  be who you are and do what you do without expecting anything in return, no matter how difficult this can become.  i often find myself beginning this process with the best of intentions, only to discover that somewhere along the way i'm battling with staying out of the main focus.  not too sure what causes that besides our broken nature and how as human beings we tend not to have things "figured out" completely.  it's particularly disturbing because in most situations the spotlight isn't something i crave.  i'd much rather be an important part of somebody else's life behind-the-scenes, that helps them reach a milestone than to garner recognition for one of my own.

falling back to "goal setting" conversations from as early as parochial school, one consistency i've had for years is to be some type of love each day.  i fail as much as i succeed but i'll never tire of the journey.  i want to emulate that which breathes life into others, all the while producing a joy within myself that can be shared with everyone.  i began this "new year" without making a resolution, which really is no different than the past five years... but i did have these two words take up residency within me long before the stroke of midnight on 12.31 - BE LOVE.

love means, among other things, taking risks and stepping outside your comfort zone.  love means, to me, opening yourself up to possibly get hurt.  that's not easy, for anyone, but we should endure together.  we must make sacrifices without paying any mind to the potential harm we may inflict on ourselves.  truth told, at times i'm really pathetic at this but i'm infatuated with the idea of togetherness.  (read as john lennon's "imagine" without the ability to dream big)  this doesn't necessarily mean to all be alike, and in most cases i'm not for any form of assimilation... but it should begin with respect, and in turn lack of judgment.

if you're reading this and i've in some way created distance between you and i, simply know that i will do better.  i'll continue to make mistakes but i'm committed to learning from them and destined to prevent repeat error.  in short, i'm reminded of how many times each of us had to first fall before we learned to walk.  this is really no different, with the exception of years gone by.

i want to say to anyone who's recently lost somebody - you are not alone.  there are many others available to care for you in whatever capacity you may need.  be encouraged by that much, and may each of you find strength through whatever means may work best for you.  i know we all have different tolerance when it comes to subscribing for help, but please know you're important to me and i enjoy being here for you if/when able.

this is what's been on my heart for a couple weeks, but without question the last in this string of unfortunate announcements has spurred forward what you've read here.  in some ways, this wave of emotion also came about through wondering how i might be remembered if something happened to me prematurely.  i'd really enjoy the idea of people reflecting on my life as being a beacon of love, with a gentle spirit that truly embraces others and their similarities/differences.  i'd also, without question, hope to be considered a great father to my son.  honestly, if those two things could be said indisputably... that's enough, period.

life may indeed be too short.  fact is, we simply don't know when our time will come.

thank you for being in my life and for extending me grace where i may not deserve it.  thank you for seeing the best and confiding in me, as many of you have.  thank you for the many ways you've continued to touch my life and allow me into your home, physically or metaphorically.  finally, thank you for listening and caring enough to help me become an even better person in your company.

fortunately for all who believe (and i don't mean that religiously), it may be cold outside... but angels don't discriminate either.  they're among us everywhere, and i find great solace in knowing those who've left us still have ways to connect to our soul, endlessly.

about-face

epiphany  [ih-pif-uh-nee]

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

------- 

as they say, THIS just happened. (well, sunday, to be exact).

a few short days ago i chimed in about my battle with stillness/mindfulness, and the like.  couldn't have predicted this turn but the text somebody very special let me borrow... yeah, the author brought the thunder!

for the first time ever, meditation was qualified as something other than a thing you achieve and/or do, but the ACT itself of being.  to be clear, you do not need to secure a tropical oasis in your mind (or whatever your peaceful equivalent may be), it's the pause and focus itself that constitutes meditation.  what i've done, as have many others, is transpose meditation with relaxation.  the latter is something i've legitimately struggled with for... well, a long time.

everybody i've known to guide me in the direction of this mindfulness has explained it as getting centered and clearing your mind.  whereas that may be the result, it's not necessary or even advisable to control the process.  you see, what i've begun to learn is that it's OK to accept EXACTLY where you are whenever you're reflecting on simply being.  that's the point, identifying with the moment and allowing for anything and everything that may be present, however desirable or irritating the emotion/stimulus may be.

more often than not, since i've come to the infancy period of understanding this meditation piece, i've had to accept an unquiet mind.  while i'd like to eventually experience its antithesis, expending energy or working to manipulate that process in any way is counterproductive.  it's not all about harmony, at least not to the extent most would quickly imagine when given that descriptor.  it IS about being in harmony with your present self, just that it won't always be absent distractions or stress.  in other words, don't go into this expecting a choir of angels or some other form of utopian grounds.

i am WORLDS away from internalizing and adopting this form of self actualization, but it does feel affirming to have a small window of hope and see things a little more clearly.  the breathing aspect of this is definitely going to take some time to adjust to, although i can already feel a thread of confidence and clarity birthed from these rudimentary efforts.

bottom line, i stand corrected.  i was wrong, and everyone is actually capable of meditation.  not everyone will be taken to that stereotypical dreamland that's so often advertised, wrongly i might add.  but you know what, that's OK!  as with most things in my personal life, i'll take baby steps and work through this new relationship with myself, as i suspect it may actually teach me a thing or two.  not unlike anything else, it will take time... and hopefully i'll have enough to truly feel that which several others have described.  keep in mind this is also what used to be frustrating to no end because it appeared to be an exercise in futility.

i've pushed through almost 15 chapters in this book, in most cases having to revisit each multiple times... and it's becoming a breath of fresh air.  i'll inevitably purchase my own copy as this one needs to be returned soon.  this isn't a one-time front to back piece.  in fact, thus far i seem to get the most out of it when carefully studied, small bites at a time.

i'm quite grateful for this gift and the person responsible for facilitating it.  regardless of how long this feeling lasts or to what extent it's felt, notwithstanding my occasional habit of self degradation... i will celebrate this light and move forward.

 

unquiet

last week somebody told me i should read more.  as recent ago as last night, another person told me i should write again.  to some extent, i'm curious what the next self-improvement prescription might be.  in these peoples' defense, their heart was in the right place and i'm grateful for them.  only, i still wonder if they have an idea of why these things are no longer prevalent in my life.

this book that was generously lent to me, of which i've valiantly attempted to read... it's managed thus far to shed more light on how woefully inadequate my abilities are to achieve that which may be its most important lesson: patience (mindfulness)

having only made it to chapter seven a painful three hours later, i'm convinced the subject of this text (ultimately people who carry on day to day with peace and fulness of the moment) are as alien to me as even before i began this effort.  it's as though they have a magic switch and find quiet on demand.  that much could not be further from the truth in my life.  for as far back as i can recall, i've struggled with the voice(s) in my head.  these aren't ghosts or even spirits, for in almost every case they are the sound of my own speech.  even as i write this, i'm working to arrest the contemplation taking place in my head about how best to carry out a task slated for two hours from now.  and what's more, that thought is sparring for position with another involving next week!

this concept of meditation is one i know many of my friends/family have approached, some with care and others with what appears to be reckless abandon.  i, too, have made previous journeys to places that promote stillness and calm, only in most cases it resulted in additional anxiety.  interestingly enough, that doesn't seem to be the case in the few times i recall being in the company of another.  that's not to say i achieved what it was i set out to do, but rather i could live vicariously through somebody else who could, and at least for the time being that felt good.

to metaphorically paint the scene of a "quiet mind" is actually a task i haven't been able to complete, although there have been many futile attempts.  in social situations, this looks like giving these voices power by expelling them out of my mouth, sometimes at a rapid and potentially hazardous pace.  to not do this, at times, would mean having to wrestle with all of them in what usually becomes akin to slow torture.  in some ways, for example, this very paragraph has already been written seven different times before the words manage to escape, and the term i've chosen here is no coincidence - each word and phrase prepares itself no different than a prisoner being held captive, with one goal in mind - getting the fuck out of dodge.

i don't hold others in contempt for being able to lead a less psychologically noisy existence, just that i don't necessarily appreciate feeling pushed to do the same.  maybe that would be different if i felt hope that i might achieve this one day, but alas it's waning at a rapid pace on most days.  journaling used to be an outlet but i became sick of facing the thoughts and feelings, and especially the light they would cast on problems (or at least challenges).  happy looks much different depending on the person and how they wear it.  the tendency for me is to appear relaxed, and from what i've gathered through others' observations, borderline uninterested.  that's the thing, usually there's no lack of interest at all, it's just my equivalent of quiet.

i face each day as they come, with every effort to bring into it some element of joy.  the difference is that i've learned, through adversity mostly, how to do this with a storm of emotion flowing through me.  the majority of this is invisible to the naked eye, as thoughts dance vigorously through my head.   every moment was never intended to be dressed in happiness or its colorful nemesis despair.  we're creatures shaped by our life experiences and in most cases it's wise to pay close attention to the lessons there for the taking, whether they might come on a good, bad, or indifferent day... they're always present.

so, next time i might be waxing poetic on some topic, to the tune of anything that may produce intolerance, lack of patience, or disinterest... please identify with this battle of the mind and respect that i'm not always on the victorious end.  exercise your capacity for patience toward my lack of the same.

the proverbial curveball

life inevitably throws these your way every now and again, that's just how it works. people have their own ideas of why they exist, but i've yet to meet somebody who would deny them altogether. and i'm fairly certain i never will.

tonight's pitch was a major league doozie. a real humdinger, harry caray might say.

what exactly do you do when your child comes home from school and tells you a friend stood up before class to tell everyone that her 9 year old brother is going to die? i'm convinced asking ten people may give you ten (or more) answers but it would appear as if most would agree that life doesn't exactly prepare you for these moments. it's not as if i recall finding a special section in the library (come to think of it, one probably does exist but i just never looked for it) on death and dying and how to "go there" with your young children.

the only reaction i knew to have was keep things simple and speak in plain truth. suppose that much was achieved, only not directly. think flea-flicker in football (i know, another damn sports analogy) and you wouldn't be far from reality. in that designed play the momentum shifts backward before it's launched forward, with the only real difference here being that it was not called as a form of trickery. no, more like fumbling for and eventually finding words to land on the heart of the matter.

it's almost more difficult at times to have conversations with children when they're choked up and on the verge of emotional release (whatever theirs may be) than a full blown outburst, at least it feels that way to me. my son doesn't know the affected child much at all, but he feels something in his heart (his words, as i listened with a tinge of pride) for the boy's sister. she is a good friend and very kind according to my son's exact words. he said he is most sad about the fact that this little girl won't get to be with her brother any longer. i later discovered that he wasn't exactly sure what that meant, and honestly i didn't come up with the best way of explaining it.

there's the whole life after death (on earth) concept that i'd love for my son to understand if/when he's ready, but i felt a pang of pressure that was unsettling. as an adult i don't fault my own parents for the way i was raised, but i've since become aware of how i would have liked to find my own values and morals in life instead of having them handed to me, at least as it directly relates to religion. religion is something i admittedly have issue with to this day, mainly because of how it feels as if i would simply be modeling what was "given" not "chosen" in my adult life (if i were to, that is) instead of coming to these terms in my own time and ways. all this to say that it's difficult to have the "heaven" talk with my son because i tread thinly on that line of conditioning versus modeling.

maybe that's best explained as i'd like my son to take more from what's "caught" in life, not "taught." again, on the basis specifically of what beliefs he'll have and hold onto for seemingly the duration of his life.

i have many friends that have said in their own ways my decision to gingerly discuss matters of faith is a direct conflict to my faith itself. i'm prone to disagree but not on the grounds one might imagine. it's just that i don't accept a dogmatic approach to my personal conviction(s), meaning what i feel doesn't necessarily amount to or resemble what another does simply because we have similar values. it's a lot more intimate than that, to me anyway.

i don't doubt my faith anymore than the obvious push/pull of just about anyone that's on a journey, and regardless of the depth or shape of their walk. i believe wholeheartedly in the very things that define my worldview, just that i'm challenged by how to answer difficult questions (for instance, death to a young child) in the context of my faith, when speaking to somebody (in this case - my world, the beat of my heart) in such an impressionable stage of life. to do so without feeling as if i'm making any decisions for him would ultimately be the goal, but i also feel as if he's to the point of yearning for a deeper understanding. he's not asking questions about the greater significance of specific things but we've engaged in many talks where he's quite suggestive about his curiosity in general.

with all this said, i didn't really have the after death talk. in fact, the dying aspect alone was enough to drain my emotional bank account, more so because of the aforementioned lamenting than anything else. it was intended to be very matter of fact but i can't (and won't) deny where my son's hurting, and he's not exactly one to be up front about his emotions. more often than not, he will instead withdrawal from things and others. i was the very same way for years, as my parents could attest, but my mom would specifically tell you today about how damaging that would become for me later in life. i don't want that same residual pain for my son. it took me years to gain balance again after enduring loss and the manner in which i chose to (or not, in this particular case) cope with the void of said people. today, i've developed a far more clear and healthy perspective on separation but not in such a way as having a handle on how to share it with virgin ears, so to speak.

i believe at the end of the day we should not hang our heads if we've honestly given our best, for it's all anyone can ask of us. to that extent, i've at least set the stage and hopefully enough time will pass so i can revisit this with more confidence and purpose.

for now, i'm choosing to find solace in the fictional world of brothers gallagher, more specifically their "live forever" anthem. may not be true in the most physical sense but it's welcome respite, nevertheless.